Anakin is dreading attending a seminar on Humanoid Sexuality. Humor. (Obi/Garen + Anakin)
, Star Wars Characters:
Anakin Skywalker, Garen Muln, Obi-Wan Kenobi
Originally posted: June 9, 2005
For the Yoda sex line challenge. I ended up using several of the lines, actually! ;-) Rogue Jedi is borrowed from jedirita's wonderful SW fic. This is un-beta'd, and not intended to be a stellar example of my writing skilzzz.
Links: LJ comm | Another LJ comm
1. Chapter 1 by Emma Grant
Anakin sat on the couch in the quarters he shared with his master, trying not to sulk. He was too old for sulking, he reminded himself.
A chime sounded, announcing the arrival of Jedi Knight Garen Muln. Anakin glanced over his shoulder at Obi-Wan, who was busy marinating some nerf steaks. Obi-Wan nodded towards the door, indicating Anakin should open it.
Anakin considered opening it from where he sat. It could be an exercise in Force control. Of course, his master would rebuke him for using it for such a trivial task. Anakin sighed and crossed to the door.
Garen's grinning face appeared as the door slid aside. "Anakin! You've grown again, haven't you?"
"Teenagers will do that when unobserved for a few months," Anakin grinned back. He had always liked Garen. He had a dry sense of humor and a wicked wit.
Garen crossed to the kitchen area and set a bottle of Temurian wine on the counter next to where Obi-Wan was working.
Obi-Wan wrinkled his nose. "Oh, no, not again."
Garen raised an eyebrow. "It isn't my fault you don't know your limits. Don't drink so much this time. Anakin and I can handle it." He turned to wink at Anakin, whose eyes lit up.
"Just one glass for you," Obi-Wan said to Anakin.
Anakin resisted the urge to roll his eyes. It was better than nothing, so he shouldn't complain.
"And speaking of things Anakin and I can do together--" Garen pulled a disk from a pocket and brandished it before him. "Season Eight of Rogue Jedi: The Outer Rim Files."
"Yes!" Anakin cried, taking the disk from him. He'd grown up watching the holovid series; it was something that reminded him of comfort and home. "Master, do you think you can refrain from commenting this time?"
Obi-Wan's long-suffering sigh hid a grin. "That series is completely unrealistic, you know. You can't use the Force to do half the things they suggest."
Garen leaned in close to Obi-Wan, so close that one of his hands disappeared from view. "Oh, come on -- you love it just as much as we do."
Obi-Wan pretended to be annoyed, and Garen moved even closer.
Anakin turned away. He liked it when Garen came over, but it was always the same. They would eat dinner, then would settle in front of the holo-unit to watch the video. They'd make it through a few episodes before Obi-Wan would excuse himself, saying he was tired. Garen would follow soon after, and Anakin would be left alone watching the holovid. Eventually, he would have to turn the volume up to cover the sounds coming from his master's bedroom.
Not that it bothered Anakin -- not really. He knew all about sex, even if he had no experience with it himself. It was just a little weird to think about his master like that. Or worse -- other masters. Which brought Anakin back to the subject of his earlier sulking.
He heard whispering behind him. He sighed and sank onto the sofa, frowning at his own reflection on the holovid disk. It sounded like Obi-Wan and Garen were getting a head start. Maybe they wouldn't even make it to the vid tonight. Anakin felt a strange wave of annoyance at the thought.
Dinner was good, and Garen even sloshed a bit more wine into Anakin's glass when Obi-Wan wasn't looking. Anakin gave him half a smile, but he wasn't having as much fun as he usually did. Garen tried unsuccessfully to engage him several times.
"What's with you tonight?" he asked at last, pushing his empty plate away.
Anakin shrugged and kept eating.
"Oh, don't tell me," Garen said, casting a glance at Obi-Wan. "Fourteen has finally struck."
"Something like that," Obi-Wan replied, smirking at Anakin.
Anakin shot him a glare.
"He's been sulking all afternoon," Obi-Wan continued. "He wants me to excuse him from attending the Humanoid Sexuality seminar tomorrow."
Garen laughed and turned to Anakin. "Why don't you want to go?"
Anakin could feel his face turning red. "I just… I don't know. It's stupid. I already know this stuff."
"Do you now?" Obi-Wan asked. His expression was infuriatingly smug.
"I grew up on Tattooine, you know. There were a lot of prostitutes around Watto's shop. We used to go and watch them all the time."
"You're kidding," Garen said. The expression on his face indicated he didn't think that as positive a thing as Anakin did.
"All the more reason you must attend," Obi-Wan said. "You need a more balanced perspective on sexuality than what you saw there."
"And I'm supposed to get that from Master Yoda?" Anakin retorted. As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them.
Obi-Wan frowned at him in that way he always did when he was disappointed in him.
Anakin hated disappointing him. "I'm sorry, Master. I didn't mean it like that."
"Master Yoda is teaching the seminar?" Garen said, grinning. "I think I want to go now!"
"Anakin can tell you all about tomorrow evening," Obi-Wan said.
"Use your feelings, you must," Garen croaked in his perfect imitation of Master Yoda, "to determine if turning on your partner, you are."
Anakin nearly choked on the careful sip of wine he'd just taken.
"Practice safe sex, every Jedi must."
Obi-Wan's mouth was hanging open, which only encouraged Garen.
"If frustrated you are, masturbate you should. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. To the Dark Side, unresolved sexual tension can lead!"
Anakin laughed so hard he nearly fell out of his chair. Obi-Wan was grinning, though he was clearly trying not to.
"Pleasing your partner, the goal is. Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."
"Oh, really?" Obi-Wan asked, one eyebrow raised.
"Rude and insensitive, spitting is. Swallow, one should." Garen ducked the balled-up napkin Obi-Wan aimed at his head.
Anakin giggled, a bit uncomfortable. This was venturing into the realm of too much information.
"Happens to every male, this sometimes does. Be not ashamed."
Obi-Wan made a strangled sound, somewhere between a laugh and a cry of protest.
Anakin took a big gulp of wine. This conversation had reached that point where it was best that children pretended they didn't understand what the adults were talking about.
"More lube you will need, if such a large penis your partner has."
"You're deluded!" Obi-Wan laughed.
Anakin took advantage of their distraction to refill his glass of wine. He was starting to feel it -- and that seemed like it would be a good thing tonight.
"Do me or do me not - there is no try."
Anakin fell off of his chair this time. Apparently Garen and Obi-Wan hadn't noticed, because there was a hand fondling someone under the table. Anakin stared for a moment, blinking. He'd never seen another male with an erection before. He climbed back onto his chair. Obi-Wan and Garen were staring at each other, grinning.
"So, who's up for Rogue Jedi?" Anakin asked. He cringed at his own choice of words.
"Go ahead and start it," Garen said. "We'll… uh, we'll clean up and be right there."
Anakin glanced at Obi-Wan -- the look on his master's face was positively wicked. "I think I'll just…" Anakin took a step back, nodding toward his room. "Lie down for a bit. Wine's got me a bit woozy." Garen's hands were not visible at all. Anakin swallowed, realizing his leggings were getting tight. "So I guess… knock on my door when it's safe to come out."
With that, he sprinted to his room and closed the door behind him.
Then slid to the floor and pressed his ear against it, listening, hand already inside his leggings.
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