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Author: Emma Grant
Summary: Xanatos returns to face his past
Warnings: Not your usual Xanatos. This fic includes the kinkiest sex scene I have ever written. (It squicked one of my betas...) I have no idea if the scene I describe is even possible. Hey, it is fiction, right?
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. I don't own any of this. No money made. (As if!)
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, whatever. Just a note to let us know you're reading would be appreciated!
Note: Inspired by the Alanis Morrisette song, though not songfic. There's a small tribute to a very powerful scene of Writestuff's in here, so I tip my hat in her direction for that. Thanks, as always, to Helens and Rita for multiple thoughtful betas! Special thanks to Helens for obsessing over Xan with me -- all those tons of emails and LJ comments were incredibly helpful!
I can almost taste the scrubbed atmosphere now. I can almost
feel the presence of billions of beings in my mind. I can
smell the tons of garbage piling up on the lower levels,
hear the traffic and the noise, see the endless skyline --
silver spears puncturing the hazy pink and orange
atmosphere. Otherwise, the colors are dull, and I'd bet
there's nothing green down there that isn't in a pot on
I fucking hate this
That's not entirely true, but... This was
home for nearly 18 years -- more than half my life. I lived
with my parents until I was six, then to the Temple creche,
The transport in front of me inches
forward a bit, and I nudge the engines just enough to close
the gap. It's been a long time since I've been stuck in
level 12 orbit traffic. I'll be here waiting for at least
another hour. Plenty of time to think.
Too much time.
There are two people in particular I've been meaning to
contact as my ship has been closing in on this planet, and
I've been procrastinating. I'm not sure either of them will
want to see me again, not after the way we parted. It's been
a while, though, and my emotions are under control these
days. One will be much easier than the other, I suspect.
Easier for me, at any rate.
I've got nothing to do
for the next few hours, so I might as well get on with it. I
steel myself as I punch a code into the comm. After a
moment, a familiar face fills the screen, one that catches
me by surprise, but brings a smile to my face. "Master
Faelin! How have you been?"
She blinks -- shocked to
see me, most certainly -- and then smiles warmly. "Xanatos!
It's been far too long. How are you?" The fine lines around
her dark brown eyes crinkle as she smiles. She reminds me of
my mother -- at least I think she does. I barely remember my
mother, to be completely honest. I have a holo of my mother
in which she looks a lot like a younger version of Faelin,
and I have always imagined that my mother would have that
same warm, cultured voice.
"I'm fine, Faelin. I must
apologize for not contacting you earlier. You know that the
nature of my work makes such things difficult."
nods. "No need to apologize. Where are you?"
orbit, actually. I've been summoned by Master Yoda himself.
It seems ten years on the Outer Rim is all one Jedi is
Her eyes light up. "T'nell will be pleased
to hear you've returned."
My stomach twists a little
at that. I was a bit afraid that he wouldn't want to see me.
I can hardly blame him, after the way I behaved. "I was
hoping he would be. Is he in, by any chance?" I check the
chrono and wince. "Oh, Force, Faelin, the time -- it's the
middle of the night. I'm so sorry!" I cringe at my rudeness.
The Temple is in the Zero time zone, and I should have
calculated the difference before comming her.
laughs and yawns. "It's all right, Xan. I was up
I offer her a teasing smile. "Don't tell me
you still wait up for your padawan."
no, but tonight he seemed a little distressed when he left.
I just wanted to catch him on the way in, to make sure
everything's all right. He should be back any moment. Do you
want to keep the comm active? I'll tell him as soon as he
I glance back up at the line of shuttles,
orbit-capable speeders, and transports stretched out ahead
of me. "Yes, that will be fine. I'm not going anywhere for a
"Good," she said. "I'm happy you're here,
Xan. It will do you some good to be back at the Temple for a
I sigh and brush my hair out of my face. "I
certainly hope so."
I switch the comm to standby
mode and lean back in the pilot seat. This small ship has
been on permanent loan to me for a decade now, and it's been
my home, my haven. I'm reluctant to leave it for the austere
rooms of the Temple.
What's it been -- more than ten
years since I've been here? I close my eyes at that thought.
I left so hurt, so angry... Though I've spent more hours
with psychological healers than I care to count, the pain is
just beneath the surface some days, as if it were only
minutes ago. Only minutes ago that he--
I exhale and
force my eyes open. I'm not going to think about that now.
There will be plenty of time to torture myself later. It
seems that I'll be here for at least six months, so there'll
be quite a bit of time to face him, to talk to him... to get
over him at last.
The ship ahead of me moves forward
200 meters, and I fire the impulse engines enough to close
I may be here all fucking night.
The comm beeps and a young man with a padawan buzz
cut and a curious expression on his face appears. His eyes
widen perceptibly when he recognizes me.
T'nell," I begin, somewhat tentatively. "It's
The shock on his features melts into a
broad grin. "Xan! Oh, Force, what a surprise! It's been a
while, hasn't it? Where are you? What's going on with you?
How have you been? Did you get my messages? You never wrote
me back, and I thought--"
I'm laughing now -- he
hasn't changed a bit since I last saw him. Except for the
hair -- I preferred it longer. I hold up my hands in an
attempt to hold back the barrage of words. "T'nell, one
question at a time!"
He blushes slightly, which has
the effect of melting my insides just a little. "I'm happy
to see your face, after all this time."
"Well, I'm in
orbit, so you can see me in person in a few hours, if you'd
His mouth opens and a small choking sound
emerges. "You're coming here? Really? That's fucking great!"
The grin splits his face once again. "When do you think
you'll arrive? I'll meet you."
"Traffic sucks," I
reply, "but I should be there by sixth hour. Actually, I was
hoping you could meet me at the platform. I've been assigned
quarters in a new part of the Temple, and I'd probably get
lost if I had to find it myself."
bouncing now. "Quarters? That means you're staying for a
"Apparently my expertise in undercover
work is in high demand. I'm supposed to organize a seminar
and help train some teams who will be heading into the field
"You'll do a great job, Xan." He pauses,
looking down slightly. "I know I learned a lot from you."
A teasing smile accompanies that double compliment.
smile back, meeting his coyness with head-on flirting. "I'm
sure you could teach me a thing or two now. Remember, I've
been in the Rim for the last two years -- not here at the
Temple, club-hopping three nights a week, fucking my brains
He attempts an indignant look. "What makes you
think that's what I've been doing all this time?"
smirk. "Please, T'nell. I was twenty once, you
His eyes twinkle. "I'll bet you were," he
"Then I'll see you in the morning? Pad 4A, I
"Sixth hour. I'll be there." He winks and
the transmission is cut.
I exhale and close my eyes.
That went quite well, and I'm incredibly relieved. T'nell
seems to have forgiven me. Of course he has -- he is one of
the sweetest people I've ever met.
I didn't have that
impression the first time I saw him, nearly two years ago.
He and Faelin were working undercover in the same sector as
I was in, and I spent a week with them bringing them up to
speed on the local situation. They met me at a landing pad
in a fairly seedy part of a small port city, posing as a
struggling single mother and her insolent teenaged son.
T'nell's hair had grown out of the tell-tale padawan style,
dark tendrils hanging in his face, which was imprinted with
the bored and exasperated expression of a teenager who would
prefer to be anywhere else at that moment. He was wearing
the dingy, baggy clothing that was popular in that sector
amongst people his age, and he barely seemed to notice me as
I approached them. He didn't say a word as we walked to the
small apartment he and Faelin shared, following a few steps
behind, looking bored out of his skull. Faelin snapped at
him to walk faster once, and he rolled his eyes and whined,
"I am, Mom. Damn."
The performance was so
effective that I had tuned him out completely by the time we
reached the apartment. It wasn't until he had stripped off a
few layers of baggy clothes and was smiling at me broadly,
offering me a cup of tea, that I really noticed
Force, did I notice him. His eyes, his face,
the shaggy mop of hair that he kept trying to tuck behind
his ears, his height, his build -- he was the spitting image
of Qui-Gon Jinn the day he became my master. In fact, he was
almost the same age as Qui was the first time I saw him. I
was only six years old then, and remember Qui holding me in
his lap and comforting me while I cried on the trip to the
Temple. I had a vague understanding of what was happening,
and knew that I would not be living with my father anymore.
That memory is centered around the feeling of his long arms
around me, pressing me to his chest...
There had been
a spark of interest between T'nell and me right away. The
apartment only had two bedrooms, and T'nell had given up his
for me, intending to sleep on the sofa. He slept there the
first night only. The tension between us was palpable by the
second night, and Faelin, sensing it as well, retired early.
T'nell was not shy. As soon as we were alone, he knelt
between my thighs and said, "You're incredibly hot, you
know. Can I suck your cock?" After I picked my jaw up off
the floor, I tackled him. Within minutes he had me bent over
the back of the sofa, fucking me with that enthusiasm that
18-year-olds seem to have in abundance. We barely slept for
the rest of that week. I could barely walk for the week
Faelin heard us through the thin walls at
night, though we tried to be quiet. She would make innocent
comments over first meal -- "There must have been people
fighting in the street last night. I haven't heard such
creative cursing in years!" T'nell would giggle and blush
into his bowl of cereal, and I would grin and wink at
Faelin. It was one of the best weeks I'd had in years. At
least -- it started that
As I ease
the ship towards the landing pad, I can see the tiny figure
that awaits me. For a moment, I wish I hadn't asked him to
come. Returning to the Temple is going to be hard enough as
it is. Why rush the other hard parts?
I walk down the
ramp and he sprints towards me. I can only open my arms and
brace for impact. He nearly knocks me off my feet as his
body slams into mine, but his arms snake tightly around me,
supporting me, holding me close. I realize that my chin
doesn't quite tuck easily into his shoulder and look up at
him in surprise. It's been nearly two years, but I would
swear he wasn't this tall! My arms tighten around him. Or
this... wow. I suppose it's not unusual for human boys to
continue growing into their early twenties. Growing and
filling out -- filling out very nicely, I might
He laughs and pulls back, hands on my shoulders
as if trying to get a good look at me without letting me get
too far away. "You haven't changed a bit!" He declares, eyes
"You have!" I blurt out, still in shock
from the very un-Jedi-like warm welcome. He tilts his head
in confusion. I reach up to tousle his short hair. "I
remember us being the same height. What have they been
One eyebrow quirks up teasingly.
"Protein. In small liquid doses." He grins. I roll my eyes.
He loops his arm through mine and pulls me towards the
building. "Come on, let's get you settled in." I pick up my
dropped rucksack and allow myself to be tugged into my past.
At this hour, the corridors are surprisingly
deserted, but I am quite relieved not to see anyone else
just yet. I haven't been in the presence of so many Jedi in
a decade, and I anticipate that it will be somewhat
difficult at first to feel so many minds around me. I'm not
used to shielding in that particular manner after ten years
of living alone.
T'nell and I talk pleasantly along
the way. The scenery is familiar at first, but when we enter
the remodeled wing where my new quarters are located, I'm
especially glad to have him as my guide. He tells me about
his recent training, the last few missions he and his master
completed, and one he completed very successfully with
another senior padawan.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi," I repeat,
trying to remember if I've seen a recent holo of him. I once
taught an introductory Force manipulation class and he was
one of the youngest students in the group. I remember being
thoroughly charmed by him, as well as quite impressed by his
abilities. I heard that Qui had taken him as his padawan a
few years after I was knighted. I stopped inquiring about my
former master after that. He'd clearly moved on. "Qui-Gon's
T'nell nods, watching my face carefully.
"He's one of my very best friends, actually. He's heard a
lot about you, and I know he'll be thrilled to meet you at
last." My expression must have fallen at that. I look away
for a moment, and look back to see T'nell's expression has
grown concerned. "I'm sorry -- did I say something
"What did you tell Obi-Wan about
"Just that I met you on a mission, and that
we... hooked up." He chews his lower lip adorably, which
makes me smile just a little, despite my anxiety. "I'm sorry
if that bothers you. I didn't think I would see you again.
Besides, he's always been curious about you. He's heard a
little about you from Qui-Gon over the years, but..." He
trails off and looks away.
I don't want to know, but
I am compelled to ask. "Did you tell him about...?" I pause,
suddenly not sure if I'm ready to discuss this so soon, out
in the open.
He looks confused.
"Later," I reply, nudging him teasingly
with my shoulder. "Where's my room?"
"Here." He stops
so suddenly that I walk past him and have to take a step
backwards. He smiles at me shyly. "It's keyed to your
handprint." He gestures in demonstration, in case I don't
remember how to open a door here.
The door opens at
my command and I step in. Just as I expected -- a
functionally bare living area with a small kitchenette in
one corner, a desk with a terminal and communications
equipment in another, and two doors on one side of the room.
I assume that one leads to a bedroom and the other to a
fresher. I walk over to one door and open it. A decent-sized
sleep couch is pushed against one wall, and there's a
doorway leading to a balcony. Looks like a nice place to
meditate. The couch has been made, and already looks
I drop my rucksack and step back through
the door into the main room. T'nell is standing in the
doorway, perhaps uncertain whether he should come in or
leave. I'm tired, but I'm also polite. I invite him in and
close the door behind him. He sits on the dull-colored sofa.
I sit next to him, wondering if this is a good time to
continue the conversation started in the
"Xan, is it a secret that you're here?
Should I not tell anyone that I've seen you?"
it's not a secret, really. It certainly hasn't been widely
advertised that a covert ops specialist is coming to the
Temple to prepare Jedi for undercover work." T'nell grins at
that. "You shouldn't feel like you have to be dishonest or
evasive about knowing me."
T'nell considers this for
a moment. "Does Master Jinn know you're
Straight to the gut with that one. "I... I
don't know. Probably not." I lean back with a sigh. "T'nell,
I still haven't spoken to Qui-Gon. It's been ten years
T'nell leans back also, pressing his shoulder
against mine companionably. "Ten years without speaking to
your master, Xan? I know why, but... how do you stand
"Well, by staying on the Outer Rim, for one. But
here I am. I'm going to run into him eventually, and he's
certainly going to find out I'm here soon enough. I should
contact him, I know, but... what do I say? Hello, Master.
Sorry I didn't return any of your calls for ten years. I
was pretty angry with you for destroying my life, though.
Let's do lunch!" I close my eyes. What am I going to
T'nell waits for me to continue for a moment,
then takes my hand when he realizes I'm not going to say any
more. "I... know Master Jinn pretty well. I could help you.
I could tell him you're here and that you'd like to see him.
I could arrange for you to meet him somewhere."
not a bad idea. I have to face him, and the sooner, the
better. Quite impulsively I put my arm around T'nell and
pull him close, kissing him on the forehead. He looks up at
me with those crystal blue eyes... And I kiss him -- I can't
help it, he's so...
No. I pull away, and the kiss is
over as quickly as it began. I release him and lean forward,
elbows on my knees, head in my hands. That was a bad idea.
"Sorry about that. I didn't mean to presume... I couldn't
"Why'd you stop?"
I turn my head
to look at him. His face is slightly flushed and his lips
just a little tinted from the brief kiss. "We didn't part on
the best of notes, as I remember. I wasn't even sure you'd
want to see me again."
T'nell smiles and takes my
hand again. "Oh, that's what you meant before. It wasn't
as bad as you think, Xan. I... I knew it was what you needed
at the time. I just got a little... freaked out by the
way... well, I actually enjoyed tying you up and
pretending... that was pretty fun. But when you got upset...
I don't think I liked it when you called me Master." He
exhales and pulls my arm towards him, pulling me back
against his chest. He wraps his arms around me. I relax into
him, closing my eyes. This feels remarkably good. "I had
developed quite a crush on you, and I wanted you to want
me. I didn't like the idea that I was standing in for
"I know, and I regret it. I'm sorry I
asked you to do that. I thought it would help me deal with
those feelings, but it only dredged up new
"And I thought I could handle it. I thought it
would just be a game to play. I wrote you so many letters,
you know. I kept transmitting them, even when they came back
"I'm sorry. I... I did get a few,
but I was afraid to read them, so I deleted them. Then I
went on a deep cover mission, and that address was
deactivated." I sigh, remembering that I was relieved no one
but the Council could contact me. No one could find me. I
had severed my ties yet again.
"It's all right, Xan.
That's in the past. I was hoping we could be friends now.
I'd like that, at least."
I twist in his arms until
we're face-to-face. "I'd like that too." He kisses me again,
softly, sweetly. I shift in his arms and get a whiff of
myself. I wince. "I need to take a shower," I snort. "You're
welcome to stay, and we can continue this discussion -- if
you haven't got any other pressing engagements."
have a class, but not until this afternoon. My master gave
the morning off to help get you settled in,
I stand and stretch. "Really? How
considerate of her! I must send her a thank you note." I
wink and head for the fresher.
minutes later, I'm incredibly, happily clean. I haven't had
a hot water shower in months -- sonics are fine, but it's
not the same, really. I study my reflection briefly in the
mirror as I brush my teeth. My dark hair needs a cut badly.
It hangs just past my shoulders, a little longer than I'd
like. I lean in close and spot a few strands of gray around
my temple. I think briefly of yanking them out, but I seem
to have a little less hair in that area than I used to -- I
decide to leave them be. I'm not particularly vain, but I
suppose that I compared to most Jedi. I haven't been living
openly as a Jedi for a decade, though, and some of the
insecurities of being a thirty-something human male have
definitely been incorporated into my personality in the last
few years. I'm pretty good looking, I suppose. I'm in great
shape. I haven't had any trouble attracting lovers. Only a
handful of people have ever turned me down.
and rinse my mouth. I need a shave, but I'm too tired to do
it now. I comb my fingers through my wet hair, and then
unconsciously trace the scar on my cheek -- the only feature
that I don't like. I could have it removed easily, but... I
can't. It reminds me of what I've lost. And it reminds me
what I'm capable of.
I emerge from the fresher still
a little damp, towel wrapped around my waist. The main room
is empty. "T'nell?"
"In here." The voice is coming
from the bedroom. Interesting. I peek around the corner
T'nell is stretched out on
my sleep couch, completely naked. Well, there's a small
bunch of carney-fruits draped across his groin, but other
than that, he's naked. I was right -- he really has filled
out. He still fit in the category of "boy" two years ago --
lanky, on the thin side, wispy chest hair. That's a man
lying on my bed, though. I grin broadly and lean against the
I focus my gaze on the cluster of small
orange fruits. Apparently someone stocked the kitchenette
prior to my arrival. "What is this, the welcome
"I thought you might be hungry," he purrs,
I reach the bed in a few steps and stand
there, letting my eyes take him in. Force, he's beautiful.
The muscles in his chest and arms are well-defined. He's so
tall that he fills the couch easily. I wonder what other
parts of him have grown?
"I see somebody's hungry,"
T'nell quips, eyes focused on my towel. I glance down to see
that I'm sporting a little terry tent now. In one smooth
movement, the towel is on the floor and I'm kneeling by the
bed, plucking a small round fruit from the bunch with my
teeth. I feed it to him, and then retrieve another for
myself. "Good," T'nell grins.
"These were always my
favorite," I reply. I reach out to pluck the entire bunch
away from his body. My eyes widen in mock surprise. "Ah,
what kind of fruit is this?"
T'nell laughs. "Oh, give
it a try. Perhaps you'll find you have a taste for
"Oh, I already know I have a taste for
His laughing turns into moans as soon as I
take him into my mouth. His cock hardens so quickly in my
mouth that I nearly gag -- yes, that's apparently grown as
well. I pump him slowly with my mouth, using my tongue,
sucking lightly. Slow is good, I think. He widens his thighs
a little, perhaps an invitation? I wet one finger in my
mouth and slide it behind his--
"No!" He sits up so
fast that his knee cracks against my jaw.
snap out. "What the fuck?" Then I remember. "Oh, Force, I'm
sorry. I thought that by now you'd have..."
I'm sorry... fuck..." He's clearly embarrassed. "It's
not... I have actually, and... I'm really sore right
now, you know? I got fucked pretty hard just a few hours
I have to smile at that. So T'nell's not a
militant top anymore? That sounds promising. "Well, I know
how that can be. Let me help. Roll over."
narrow. "What are you...? Why?"
"Just trust me.
He hesitates another moment, but rolls over
on his stomach. I climb onto the bed and straddle his
thighs. He tenses up immediately. "Relax, all right? You're
going to like this, I promise." I massage his back until I
feel the muscles begin to relax, and I start dribbling
kisses on his lower back.
He giggles. "That's
"Good," I reply. I dribble small kisses on his
ass. He squirms a little. I pull the cheeks apart and he
tenses again. "Relax, T'nell," I whisper. "I'm not going to
hurt you, I promise." He doesn't relax, but I proceed
anyway. I gather the Force and concentrate for a moment,
feeling the Living Force separate itself and rise to the
surface. I relax into it, and it fills me. I focus, and then
touch the tip of my tongue to the swollen entrance.
T'nell gasps and immediately relaxes beneath me as
he realizes what I'm doing. I lick him slowly, softly,
focusing healing energy into his skin. I let my tongue flick
lightly across the still stretched hole, and then slide the
tip just inside carefully. He makes a small pained sound,
but he doesn't tense at all. I stroke my tongue into him as
softly as I can, pouring energy into him, feeling the
swollen tissues contracting and healing under my touch. I
push my tongue in a little deeper and continue making small
movements, concentrating. After a few minutes, I realize
that I've done as much as I can. I withdraw my tongue
slowly, and blow lightly across the now healed opening. He
moans and pushes his hips up a little.
asking me to stay down here for a while?"
terribly greedy after that, but... yes, please?"
getting hard myself, now that I'm not focusing on healing
him any longer. The sight of a beautiful man's ass spread
out before me, just begging to be rimmed, has that effect on
me. I dip my tongue back into him swiftly, tasting his skin,
feeling the softness of him from the inside. I move my
tongue in and out, almost licking him. The fact that he's
slightly stretched from his earlier activities makes this
much easier, really. I can press my tongue pretty far into
him with little effort. I slide in and out, fucking him as
slowly as I can, curling the tip of my tongue when I'm in as
deep as I can go.
"Oh, fuck, yes, that's... " He
pulls a pillow over his head and his voice becomes muffled.
Having this effect on someone is quite a rush. I'm
suddenly greedy for more. The forgotten carney-fruit bunch
is nearby, and I pluck a fruit. I wet it in my mouth and
then press it teasingly against his anus. He starts
"What is that? It's cold."
it into him.
"Oh, fuck, you didn't just..."
laugh. "Yes, I did."
I pluck another
fruit and press it in as well. He gasps.
believe you're doing this." He presses up on his elbows and
turns his head to look at me.
Another fruit. His eyes
widen and he squeals.
"Why not?" I ask, licking him
again. "I'll stop if you want me to." I pick up another
fruit and wet it, then twist it against his opening slowly.
His head drops down and he moans softly. I screw the fruit
into him as slowly as I can, stopping halfway so that it
holds him stretched open. I circle that stretched ring with
my tongue, flicking around the edges.
see this," I tell him. "You're being fucked by a piece of
"I have never done anything like this in my
life," he whimpers. "I can't believe I'm letting you...
stick fruit up my ass." He laughs softly.
like it?" I whisper, blowing cool air across the stretched
"Oh, fuck, yes," he moans. "Force, that's..."
I press my lips around the fruit in a kiss and nudge
it forward a little with my tongue. It slips into his body
as if pulled in from the inside. He cries out again. I would
imagine that at least one of those fruits is nudging his
prostate by now.
"Can you feel them inside
"Yes," he breathes.
"Can you take one
He hesitates, but then whispers,
"Are you sure?"
"Please." His head is
buried beneath the pillow again.
I pluck the biggest
fruit from the bunch. I can barely wrap my thumb and
forefinger around it. I wet it in my mouth and it feels
huge. I grin as I rub it slightly against his
"Hard?" I ask? "Or slow again?"
pillow rises up a little. "Hard," he whimpers.
position the fruit and place my thumb over it, pressing a
little to tease him. The fruit stretches him open a little
more with each push. My cock seems to be pulsing in tempo.
My own ass clenches slightly in sympathy. I've had someone
put anal beads in me before, but I've never felt anything
like this must feel. I stroke my cock softly, almost
unconsciously. Without warning I press the fruit in, hard.
T'nell's hips come off the bed and he cries out. For a
moment I think he's come and have a brief flash of panic --
I'll never be able to get those fruits out now. But he
settles back down instantly, whimpering.
okay?" I ask.
"I'm really close," he says, his voice
strained. "I just... oh, Force. How many is that?"
"Five," I reply, still lapping at his entrance
softly, almost casually.
He laughs. "I cannot
believe that you did that. Five? How are you going
"Like this." I pull his cheeks apart as far
as I can and press my lips down firmly around his entrance.
The big fruit pops out into my mouth and I
throw it at his head. "See? Easy."
He giggles. "That
felt weird. The others are in deeper, though."
I'll have to suck harder." I fuck him with my tongue a
little more to get him to relax, and then press my lips down
and suck hard again. Another fruit pops out. I spit it onto
the floor. Three to go. I press my tongue in and can feel
the next one. It comes out easily. He's whimpering and
rocking his hips a little, very close. I'm so hard that I
may come from the sound of his climax. I suck another fruit
out. One more -- I take my time with it, sucking it almost
out and then pushing it in again, over and over, letting it
stretch the sphincter each time, licking clean the sweet
juice that's dribbling from his anus now, where some of the
fruits were crushed slightly.
"Please, Xan... I'm
really close. I just need to..."
I suck the fruit
out, just to be sure I don't lose it inside him. I'm so
close I can barely stand it, but I don't want this to end
quite yet. I slip two fingertips into him and hold him open
while I crush the fruit over him. Juice and pulp dribble
into his opening. He writhes beneath me. I pluck another
fruit from the bunch and do it again, this time improving my
aim a bit so that most of the juice pours into him.
"I have no idea what you're doing," he moans, "but
it feels amazing."
I slide my fingers out and press
my tongue into him again. The juice is everywhere, making
him sticky inside. I pull his cheeks apart and suck some of
it out of him.
He whimpers and laughs
simultaneously. "That is so weird."
"Do you like
"Fuck yes. What exactly are you doing?"
"I'm sucking carney juice out of your
He makes a startled noise. "Okay, maybe I
didn't need to know that."
"Does it feel good?"
I hold him open with my fingers
again and crush another fruit into him. Then I press the
pulp into his ass as well. He wriggles a little.
"That's weird. I'm not sure I like that."
problem," I reply, pressing him open and sucking lightly.
The crushed fruit stays lodged behind his sphincter, but the
juice comes out.
"Ohhh..." he moans
"Liking it a little more now?"
I take it back. You can do whatever you want back there, as
long as your mouth is involved."
I suck a little
harder and get the edge of the crushed fruit with my teeth.
I pull it from him very, very slowly. His hands clench the
"Oh, Force oh Force oh Force..."
stretch him open with my index fingers and shove my tongue
in as far as I can go, fucking him with it, licking the
inside of him. He tastes like juice, and I'm thinking about
not letting him come until I've licked up every drop. He
writhes and moans beneath me, hips grinding against the bed
Did I hear that right? "What
did you say?"
"Fuck me. Hurry!"
I feel a fog
descending over my brain at that, and all I can think is
Yes. Nothing could be better than sliding inside him right
now. I pull myself up on my knees and press the head of my
cock against his entrance. Wait, I don't have anything to
use for... the fruit. I pluck the last one from the stem and
crush it in my palm, then slather the sticky juice on my
cock. I press the tip against him again and press forward
slowly. I slide in very easily, which is no surprise. I
stroke him slowly, trying very hard to keep remembering that
he may still be sore in there somewhere.
Then I stop
thinking about him altogether. This feels amazing! I was
much closer than I realized. This won't take long. A few
slow strokes... yes... He cries out beneath me and I feel
his ass clutching me, pulling my cock in deeper than I'd
dared to go. It pulls me over the edge and I come hard,
grunting loudly and gripping his hips tight.
only then that I realize we didn't use a barrier.
"Oh, fuck... T'nell..."
"That was amazing,"
he whimpers. "Please come here and kiss me."
out and flop down beside him. "T'nell--"
me. "That was so fucking amazing."
His eyes widen. "Oh, fuck..."
fuck.' Look... I'm clean, as far as I know, but you should
know that I have done that before, and not under the best of
circumstances. I tend to get carried away sometimes." I
watch his face carefully, hoping that this doesn't frighten
him too much. I don't mean for such things to happen. I am
usually a very responsible person, but sometimes I get swept
away in the moment. I don't even realize it until it's too
late. Sometimes I hardly remember the sex itself, which
always scares the shit of me.
"I've never done that
before," he says. The color seems to have drained from his
I close my eyes. "I'm sorry. I wasn't
thinking. I don't know what came over me." I want to kick
myself. I haven't had a lapse like that in months. I don't
want to think about what that might mean.
snuggles against me reassuringly. "No, Xan, it was my
fault. I was the one who said, 'Inside me, now!'"
snicker. "You didn't really say that, did you?"
"Force, I hope not."
"I was stupid, and it
was not your fault. I was the top, and I should have
noticed that something was missing. We should both get
checked out, just in case."
"Yes," he whispers,
closing his eyes. "Can we talk about this later? I didn't
get much sleep last night. Do you mind if I stay here and
take a nap?"
I kiss his forehead. "Of course not."
It's been a while since I've slept with a warm body next to
me. The only physical contact I've had with people in the
last few years was in sex clubs. No pillow talk or
post-coital snuggling permitted or desired. This feels
He giggles, and the sound of it
resonates in my chest. "I cannot believe you fucked me with
"Would you have preferred the
He gasps a little. "That sounds strangely
appealing, for some reason."
I laugh and kiss him,
teasing his tongue with mine softly, gently. He kisses me
back in that sweet undemanding way that you can only kiss a
lover. I'm relieved that he seems to be comfortable with me
like this. I half-expected another ugly scene. I seem to
screw up things with him as a matter of course.
soon rest my head against the pillow, forehead pressing into
his. His breathing shallows. I hear its rhythm, matching my
own. My thoughts begin to drift until I'm not sure if I'm
asleep or awake anymore.
I am being held by a pair of
strong arms. A funeral pyre burns before me, my beloved
master's body burning away in the flames. "Master Pell," I
whisper. I know this dream. It's one I have often, and I
hate it. I want to close my eyes and I can't. Master Pell is
dead, and it's my fault. He was trying to protect me,
because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The pain
rises in me so sharply that I stagger forward, and am caught
again by the person standing behind me. I flinch now; this
is the worst part of the dream. I can't look away from the
fire, even as I'm revolted by the sight of my beloved
master's flesh burning before me.
But the arms that
usually hold me so sternly and force me to watch are now
caressing me, petting me, stroking me softly. I turn in
those arms, and Qui-Gon is standing there, as he always is.
But this time he's not glaring at me. He's smiling, and his
eyes are sparkling blue.
"I'll take care of you,
Xanatos. I'm your master now."
Tears well in my eyes
and spill down my cheeks. He kisses them away and presses me
tightly against his chest.
I start awake, inhaling
sharply. Slight movement against my side reminds me
instantly where I am. But the dream... That's never
happened before. When did it stop being a
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