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Author: Emma Grant
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Xanatos returns to face his past
Warnings: Not your usual Xanatos. This fic includes the kinkiest sex scene I have ever written. (It squicked one of my betas...) I have no idea if the scene I describe is even possible. Hey, it is fiction, right?
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. I don't own any of this. No money made. (As if!)
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, whatever. Just a note to let us know you're reading would be appreciated!

Note: Inspired by the Alanis Morrisette song, though not songfic. There's a small tribute to a very powerful scene of Writestuff's in here, so I tip my hat in her direction for that. Thanks, as always, to Helens and Rita for multiple thoughtful betas! Special thanks to Helens for obsessing over Xan with me -- all those tons of emails and LJ comments were incredibly helpful!

Coruscant. I can almost taste the scrubbed atmosphere now. I can almost feel the presence of billions of beings in my mind. I can smell the tons of garbage piling up on the lower levels, hear the traffic and the noise, see the endless skyline -- silver spears puncturing the hazy pink and orange atmosphere. Otherwise, the colors are dull, and I'd bet there's nothing green down there that isn't in a pot on someone's balcony.

I fucking hate this planet.

That's not entirely true, but... This was home for nearly 18 years -- more than half my life. I lived with my parents until I was six, then to the Temple creche, and then...

The transport in front of me inches forward a bit, and I nudge the engines just enough to close the gap. It's been a long time since I've been stuck in level 12 orbit traffic. I'll be here waiting for at least another hour. Plenty of time to think.

Too much time. There are two people in particular I've been meaning to contact as my ship has been closing in on this planet, and I've been procrastinating. I'm not sure either of them will want to see me again, not after the way we parted. It's been a while, though, and my emotions are under control these days. One will be much easier than the other, I suspect. Easier for me, at any rate.

I've got nothing to do for the next few hours, so I might as well get on with it. I steel myself as I punch a code into the comm. After a moment, a familiar face fills the screen, one that catches me by surprise, but brings a smile to my face. "Master Faelin! How have you been?"

She blinks -- shocked to see me, most certainly -- and then smiles warmly. "Xanatos! It's been far too long. How are you?" The fine lines around her dark brown eyes crinkle as she smiles. She reminds me of my mother -- at least I think she does. I barely remember my mother, to be completely honest. I have a holo of my mother in which she looks a lot like a younger version of Faelin, and I have always imagined that my mother would have that same warm, cultured voice.

"I'm fine, Faelin. I must apologize for not contacting you earlier. You know that the nature of my work makes such things difficult."

She nods. "No need to apologize. Where are you?"

"In orbit, actually. I've been summoned by Master Yoda himself. It seems ten years on the Outer Rim is all one Jedi is allowed."

Her eyes light up. "T'nell will be pleased to hear you've returned."

My stomach twists a little at that. I was a bit afraid that he wouldn't want to see me. I can hardly blame him, after the way I behaved. "I was hoping he would be. Is he in, by any chance?" I check the chrono and wince. "Oh, Force, Faelin, the time -- it's the middle of the night. I'm so sorry!" I cringe at my rudeness. The Temple is in the Zero time zone, and I should have calculated the difference before comming her.

She laughs and yawns. "It's all right, Xan. I was up anyway."

I offer her a teasing smile. "Don't tell me you still wait up for your padawan."

"Not usually, no, but tonight he seemed a little distressed when he left. I just wanted to catch him on the way in, to make sure everything's all right. He should be back any moment. Do you want to keep the comm active? I'll tell him as soon as he gets in."

I glance back up at the line of shuttles, orbit-capable speeders, and transports stretched out ahead of me. "Yes, that will be fine. I'm not going anywhere for a while."

"Good," she said. "I'm happy you're here, Xan. It will do you some good to be back at the Temple for a while."

I sigh and brush my hair out of my face. "I certainly hope so."

I switch the comm to standby mode and lean back in the pilot seat. This small ship has been on permanent loan to me for a decade now, and it's been my home, my haven. I'm reluctant to leave it for the austere rooms of the Temple.

What's it been -- more than ten years since I've been here? I close my eyes at that thought. I left so hurt, so angry... Though I've spent more hours with psychological healers than I care to count, the pain is just beneath the surface some days, as if it were only minutes ago. Only minutes ago that he--

I exhale and force my eyes open. I'm not going to think about that now. There will be plenty of time to torture myself later. It seems that I'll be here for at least six months, so there'll be quite a bit of time to face him, to talk to him... to get over him at last.

The ship ahead of me moves forward 200 meters, and I fire the impulse engines enough to close the gap.

I may be here all fucking night.

The comm beeps and a young man with a padawan buzz cut and a curious expression on his face appears. His eyes widen perceptibly when he recognizes me.

"Hello, T'nell," I begin, somewhat tentatively. "It's Xanatos."

The shock on his features melts into a broad grin. "Xan! Oh, Force, what a surprise! It's been a while, hasn't it? Where are you? What's going on with you? How have you been? Did you get my messages? You never wrote me back, and I thought--"

I'm laughing now -- he hasn't changed a bit since I last saw him. Except for the hair -- I preferred it longer. I hold up my hands in an attempt to hold back the barrage of words. "T'nell, one question at a time!"

He blushes slightly, which has the effect of melting my insides just a little. "I'm happy to see your face, after all this time."

"Well, I'm in orbit, so you can see me in person in a few hours, if you'd like."

His mouth opens and a small choking sound emerges. "You're coming here? Really? That's fucking great!" The grin splits his face once again. "When do you think you'll arrive? I'll meet you."

"Traffic sucks," I reply, "but I should be there by sixth hour. Actually, I was hoping you could meet me at the platform. I've been assigned quarters in a new part of the Temple, and I'd probably get lost if I had to find it myself."

He's visibly bouncing now. "Quarters? That means you're staying for a while, then?"

"Apparently my expertise in undercover work is in high demand. I'm supposed to organize a seminar and help train some teams who will be heading into the field soon."

"You'll do a great job, Xan." He pauses, looking down slightly. "I know I learned a lot from you." A teasing smile accompanies that double compliment.

I smile back, meeting his coyness with head-on flirting. "I'm sure you could teach me a thing or two now. Remember, I've been in the Rim for the last two years -- not here at the Temple, club-hopping three nights a week, fucking my brains out."

He attempts an indignant look. "What makes you think that's what I've been doing all this time?"

I smirk. "Please, T'nell. I was twenty once, you know."

His eyes twinkle. "I'll bet you were," he replies.

"Then I'll see you in the morning? Pad 4A, I believe."

"Sixth hour. I'll be there." He winks and the transmission is cut.

I exhale and close my eyes. That went quite well, and I'm incredibly relieved. T'nell seems to have forgiven me. Of course he has -- he is one of the sweetest people I've ever met.

I didn't have that impression the first time I saw him, nearly two years ago. He and Faelin were working undercover in the same sector as I was in, and I spent a week with them bringing them up to speed on the local situation. They met me at a landing pad in a fairly seedy part of a small port city, posing as a struggling single mother and her insolent teenaged son. T'nell's hair had grown out of the tell-tale padawan style, dark tendrils hanging in his face, which was imprinted with the bored and exasperated expression of a teenager who would prefer to be anywhere else at that moment. He was wearing the dingy, baggy clothing that was popular in that sector amongst people his age, and he barely seemed to notice me as I approached them. He didn't say a word as we walked to the small apartment he and Faelin shared, following a few steps behind, looking bored out of his skull. Faelin snapped at him to walk faster once, and he rolled his eyes and whined, "I am, Mom. Damn."

The performance was so effective that I had tuned him out completely by the time we reached the apartment. It wasn't until he had stripped off a few layers of baggy clothes and was smiling at me broadly, offering me a cup of tea, that I really noticed him.

Force, did I notice him. His eyes, his face, the shaggy mop of hair that he kept trying to tuck behind his ears, his height, his build -- he was the spitting image of Qui-Gon Jinn the day he became my master. In fact, he was almost the same age as Qui was the first time I saw him. I was only six years old then, and remember Qui holding me in his lap and comforting me while I cried on the trip to the Temple. I had a vague understanding of what was happening, and knew that I would not be living with my father anymore. That memory is centered around the feeling of his long arms around me, pressing me to his chest...

There had been a spark of interest between T'nell and me right away. The apartment only had two bedrooms, and T'nell had given up his for me, intending to sleep on the sofa. He slept there the first night only. The tension between us was palpable by the second night, and Faelin, sensing it as well, retired early. T'nell was not shy. As soon as we were alone, he knelt between my thighs and said, "You're incredibly hot, you know. Can I suck your cock?" After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I tackled him. Within minutes he had me bent over the back of the sofa, fucking me with that enthusiasm that 18-year-olds seem to have in abundance. We barely slept for the rest of that week. I could barely walk for the week after that.

Faelin heard us through the thin walls at night, though we tried to be quiet. She would make innocent comments over first meal -- "There must have been people fighting in the street last night. I haven't heard such creative cursing in years!" T'nell would giggle and blush into his bowl of cereal, and I would grin and wink at Faelin. It was one of the best weeks I'd had in years. At least -- it started that way.

As I ease the ship towards the landing pad, I can see the tiny figure that awaits me. For a moment, I wish I hadn't asked him to come. Returning to the Temple is going to be hard enough as it is. Why rush the other hard parts?

I walk down the ramp and he sprints towards me. I can only open my arms and brace for impact. He nearly knocks me off my feet as his body slams into mine, but his arms snake tightly around me, supporting me, holding me close. I realize that my chin doesn't quite tuck easily into his shoulder and look up at him in surprise. It's been nearly two years, but I would swear he wasn't this tall! My arms tighten around him. Or this... wow. I suppose it's not unusual for human boys to continue growing into their early twenties. Growing and filling out -- filling out very nicely, I might add.

He laughs and pulls back, hands on my shoulders as if trying to get a good look at me without letting me get too far away. "You haven't changed a bit!" He declares, eyes sparkling.

"You have!" I blurt out, still in shock from the very un-Jedi-like warm welcome. He tilts his head in confusion. I reach up to tousle his short hair. "I remember us being the same height. What have they been feeding you?"

One eyebrow quirks up teasingly. "Protein. In small liquid doses." He grins. I roll my eyes. He loops his arm through mine and pulls me towards the building. "Come on, let's get you settled in." I pick up my dropped rucksack and allow myself to be tugged into my past.

At this hour, the corridors are surprisingly deserted, but I am quite relieved not to see anyone else just yet. I haven't been in the presence of so many Jedi in a decade, and I anticipate that it will be somewhat difficult at first to feel so many minds around me. I'm not used to shielding in that particular manner after ten years of living alone.

T'nell and I talk pleasantly along the way. The scenery is familiar at first, but when we enter the remodeled wing where my new quarters are located, I'm especially glad to have him as my guide. He tells me about his recent training, the last few missions he and his master completed, and one he completed very successfully with another senior padawan.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi," I repeat, trying to remember if I've seen a recent holo of him. I once taught an introductory Force manipulation class and he was one of the youngest students in the group. I remember being thoroughly charmed by him, as well as quite impressed by his abilities. I heard that Qui had taken him as his padawan a few years after I was knighted. I stopped inquiring about my former master after that. He'd clearly moved on. "Qui-Gon's padawan."

T'nell nods, watching my face carefully. "He's one of my very best friends, actually. He's heard a lot about you, and I know he'll be thrilled to meet you at last." My expression must have fallen at that. I look away for a moment, and look back to see T'nell's expression has grown concerned. "I'm sorry -- did I say something wrong?"

"What did you tell Obi-Wan about me?"

"Just that I met you on a mission, and that we... hooked up." He chews his lower lip adorably, which makes me smile just a little, despite my anxiety. "I'm sorry if that bothers you. I didn't think I would see you again. Besides, he's always been curious about you. He's heard a little about you from Qui-Gon over the years, but..." He trails off and looks away.

I don't want to know, but I am compelled to ask. "Did you tell him about...?" I pause, suddenly not sure if I'm ready to discuss this so soon, out in the open.

He looks confused. "About...?"

"Later," I reply, nudging him teasingly with my shoulder. "Where's my room?"

"Here." He stops so suddenly that I walk past him and have to take a step backwards. He smiles at me shyly. "It's keyed to your handprint." He gestures in demonstration, in case I don't remember how to open a door here.

The door opens at my command and I step in. Just as I expected -- a functionally bare living area with a small kitchenette in one corner, a desk with a terminal and communications equipment in another, and two doors on one side of the room. I assume that one leads to a bedroom and the other to a fresher. I walk over to one door and open it. A decent-sized sleep couch is pushed against one wall, and there's a doorway leading to a balcony. Looks like a nice place to meditate. The couch has been made, and already looks inviting.

I drop my rucksack and step back through the door into the main room. T'nell is standing in the doorway, perhaps uncertain whether he should come in or leave. I'm tired, but I'm also polite. I invite him in and close the door behind him. He sits on the dull-colored sofa. I sit next to him, wondering if this is a good time to continue the conversation started in the corridor.

"Xan, is it a secret that you're here? Should I not tell anyone that I've seen you?"

"Well, it's not a secret, really. It certainly hasn't been widely advertised that a covert ops specialist is coming to the Temple to prepare Jedi for undercover work." T'nell grins at that. "You shouldn't feel like you have to be dishonest or evasive about knowing me."

T'nell considers this for a moment. "Does Master Jinn know you're here?"

Straight to the gut with that one. "I... I don't know. Probably not." I lean back with a sigh. "T'nell, I still haven't spoken to Qui-Gon. It's been ten years now."

T'nell leans back also, pressing his shoulder against mine companionably. "Ten years without speaking to your master, Xan? I know why, but... how do you stand it?"

"Well, by staying on the Outer Rim, for one. But here I am. I'm going to run into him eventually, and he's certainly going to find out I'm here soon enough. I should contact him, I know, but... what do I say? Hello, Master. Sorry I didn't return any of your calls for ten years. I was pretty angry with you for destroying my life, though. Let's do lunch!" I close my eyes. What am I going to do?

T'nell waits for me to continue for a moment, then takes my hand when he realizes I'm not going to say any more. "I... know Master Jinn pretty well. I could help you. I could tell him you're here and that you'd like to see him. I could arrange for you to meet him somewhere."

It's not a bad idea. I have to face him, and the sooner, the better. Quite impulsively I put my arm around T'nell and pull him close, kissing him on the forehead. He looks up at me with those crystal blue eyes... And I kiss him -- I can't help it, he's so...

No. I pull away, and the kiss is over as quickly as it began. I release him and lean forward, elbows on my knees, head in my hands. That was a bad idea. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to presume... I couldn't help myself."

"Why'd you stop?"

I turn my head to look at him. His face is slightly flushed and his lips just a little tinted from the brief kiss. "We didn't part on the best of notes, as I remember. I wasn't even sure you'd want to see me again."

T'nell smiles and takes my hand again. "Oh, that's what you meant before. It wasn't as bad as you think, Xan. I... I knew it was what you needed at the time. I just got a little... freaked out by the way... well, I actually enjoyed tying you up and pretending... that was pretty fun. But when you got upset... I don't think I liked it when you called me Master." He exhales and pulls my arm towards him, pulling me back against his chest. He wraps his arms around me. I relax into him, closing my eyes. This feels remarkably good. "I had developed quite a crush on you, and I wanted you to want me. I didn't like the idea that I was standing in for someone else."

"I know, and I regret it. I'm sorry I asked you to do that. I thought it would help me deal with those feelings, but it only dredged up new ones."

"And I thought I could handle it. I thought it would just be a game to play. I wrote you so many letters, you know. I kept transmitting them, even when they came back as undeliverable."

"I'm sorry. I... I did get a few, but I was afraid to read them, so I deleted them. Then I went on a deep cover mission, and that address was deactivated." I sigh, remembering that I was relieved no one but the Council could contact me. No one could find me. I had severed my ties yet again.

"It's all right, Xan. That's in the past. I was hoping we could be friends now. I'd like that, at least."

I twist in his arms until we're face-to-face. "I'd like that too." He kisses me again, softly, sweetly. I shift in his arms and get a whiff of myself. I wince. "I need to take a shower," I snort. "You're welcome to stay, and we can continue this discussion -- if you haven't got any other pressing engagements."

"I have a class, but not until this afternoon. My master gave the morning off to help get you settled in, actually."

I stand and stretch. "Really? How considerate of her! I must send her a thank you note." I wink and head for the fresher.

Ten minutes later, I'm incredibly, happily clean. I haven't had a hot water shower in months -- sonics are fine, but it's not the same, really. I study my reflection briefly in the mirror as I brush my teeth. My dark hair needs a cut badly. It hangs just past my shoulders, a little longer than I'd like. I lean in close and spot a few strands of gray around my temple. I think briefly of yanking them out, but I seem to have a little less hair in that area than I used to -- I decide to leave them be. I'm not particularly vain, but I suppose that I compared to most Jedi. I haven't been living openly as a Jedi for a decade, though, and some of the insecurities of being a thirty-something human male have definitely been incorporated into my personality in the last few years. I'm pretty good looking, I suppose. I'm in great shape. I haven't had any trouble attracting lovers. Only a handful of people have ever turned me down.

I spit and rinse my mouth. I need a shave, but I'm too tired to do it now. I comb my fingers through my wet hair, and then unconsciously trace the scar on my cheek -- the only feature that I don't like. I could have it removed easily, but... I can't. It reminds me of what I've lost. And it reminds me what I'm capable of.

I emerge from the fresher still a little damp, towel wrapped around my waist. The main room is empty. "T'nell?"

"In here." The voice is coming from the bedroom. Interesting. I peek around the corner cautiously.


T'nell is stretched out on my sleep couch, completely naked. Well, there's a small bunch of carney-fruits draped across his groin, but other than that, he's naked. I was right -- he really has filled out. He still fit in the category of "boy" two years ago -- lanky, on the thin side, wispy chest hair. That's a man lying on my bed, though. I grin broadly and lean against the door frame.

I focus my gaze on the cluster of small orange fruits. Apparently someone stocked the kitchenette prior to my arrival. "What is this, the welcome wagon?"

"I thought you might be hungry," he purrs, smiling.

I reach the bed in a few steps and stand there, letting my eyes take him in. Force, he's beautiful. The muscles in his chest and arms are well-defined. He's so tall that he fills the couch easily. I wonder what other parts of him have grown?

"I see somebody's hungry," T'nell quips, eyes focused on my towel. I glance down to see that I'm sporting a little terry tent now. In one smooth movement, the towel is on the floor and I'm kneeling by the bed, plucking a small round fruit from the bunch with my teeth. I feed it to him, and then retrieve another for myself. "Good," T'nell grins.

"These were always my favorite," I reply. I reach out to pluck the entire bunch away from his body. My eyes widen in mock surprise. "Ah, what kind of fruit is this?"

T'nell laughs. "Oh, give it a try. Perhaps you'll find you have a taste for it?"

"Oh, I already know I have a taste for *that*."

His laughing turns into moans as soon as I take him into my mouth. His cock hardens so quickly in my mouth that I nearly gag -- yes, that's apparently grown as well. I pump him slowly with my mouth, using my tongue, sucking lightly. Slow is good, I think. He widens his thighs a little, perhaps an invitation? I wet one finger in my mouth and slide it behind his--

"No!" He sits up so fast that his knee cracks against my jaw.

"Ow!" I snap out. "What the fuck?" Then I remember. "Oh, Force, I'm sorry. I thought that by now you'd have..."

"No, I'm sorry... fuck..." He's clearly embarrassed. "It's not... I have actually, and... I'm really sore right now, you know? I got fucked pretty hard just a few hours ago."

I have to smile at that. So T'nell's not a militant top anymore? That sounds promising. "Well, I know how that can be. Let me help. Roll over."

His eyes narrow. "What are you...? Why?"

"Just trust me. Please?"

He hesitates another moment, but rolls over on his stomach. I climb onto the bed and straddle his thighs. He tenses up immediately. "Relax, all right? You're going to like this, I promise." I massage his back until I feel the muscles begin to relax, and I start dribbling kisses on his lower back.

He giggles. "That's nice."

"Good," I reply. I dribble small kisses on his ass. He squirms a little. I pull the cheeks apart and he tenses again. "Relax, T'nell," I whisper. "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise." He doesn't relax, but I proceed anyway. I gather the Force and concentrate for a moment, feeling the Living Force separate itself and rise to the surface. I relax into it, and it fills me. I focus, and then touch the tip of my tongue to the swollen entrance.

T'nell gasps and immediately relaxes beneath me as he realizes what I'm doing. I lick him slowly, softly, focusing healing energy into his skin. I let my tongue flick lightly across the still stretched hole, and then slide the tip just inside carefully. He makes a small pained sound, but he doesn't tense at all. I stroke my tongue into him as softly as I can, pouring energy into him, feeling the swollen tissues contracting and healing under my touch. I push my tongue in a little deeper and continue making small movements, concentrating. After a few minutes, I realize that I've done as much as I can. I withdraw my tongue slowly, and blow lightly across the now healed opening. He moans and pushes his hips up a little.

"Are you asking me to stay down here for a while?"

"I feel terribly greedy after that, but... yes, please?"

I'm getting hard myself, now that I'm not focusing on healing him any longer. The sight of a beautiful man's ass spread out before me, just begging to be rimmed, has that effect on me. I dip my tongue back into him swiftly, tasting his skin, feeling the softness of him from the inside. I move my tongue in and out, almost licking him. The fact that he's slightly stretched from his earlier activities makes this much easier, really. I can press my tongue pretty far into him with little effort. I slide in and out, fucking him as slowly as I can, curling the tip of my tongue when I'm in as deep as I can go.

"Oh, fuck, yes, that's... " He pulls a pillow over his head and his voice becomes muffled.

Having this effect on someone is quite a rush. I'm suddenly greedy for more. The forgotten carney-fruit bunch is nearby, and I pluck a fruit. I wet it in my mouth and then press it teasingly against his anus. He starts slightly.

"What is that? It's cold."

I press it into him.

"Oh, fuck, you didn't just..."

I laugh. "Yes, I did."


I pluck another fruit and press it in as well. He gasps.

"I can't believe you're doing this." He presses up on his elbows and turns his head to look at me.

Another fruit. His eyes widen and he squeals.

"Why not?" I ask, licking him again. "I'll stop if you want me to." I pick up another fruit and wet it, then twist it against his opening slowly. His head drops down and he moans softly. I screw the fruit into him as slowly as I can, stopping halfway so that it holds him stretched open. I circle that stretched ring with my tongue, flicking around the edges.

"You should see this," I tell him. "You're being fucked by a piece of fruit."

"I have never done anything like this in my life," he whimpers. "I can't believe I'm letting you... stick fruit up my ass." He laughs softly.

"Do you like it?" I whisper, blowing cool air across the stretched hole.

"Oh, fuck, yes," he moans. "Force, that's..."

I press my lips around the fruit in a kiss and nudge it forward a little with my tongue. It slips into his body as if pulled in from the inside. He cries out again. I would imagine that at least one of those fruits is nudging his prostate by now.

"Can you feel them inside you?"

"Yes," he breathes.

"Can you take one more?"

He hesitates, but then whispers, "Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Please." His head is buried beneath the pillow again.

I pluck the biggest fruit from the bunch. I can barely wrap my thumb and forefinger around it. I wet it in my mouth and it feels huge. I grin as I rub it slightly against his opening.

"Hard?" I ask? "Or slow again?"

The pillow rises up a little. "Hard," he whimpers.

I position the fruit and place my thumb over it, pressing a little to tease him. The fruit stretches him open a little more with each push. My cock seems to be pulsing in tempo. My own ass clenches slightly in sympathy. I've had someone put anal beads in me before, but I've never felt anything like this must feel. I stroke my cock softly, almost unconsciously. Without warning I press the fruit in, hard. T'nell's hips come off the bed and he cries out. For a moment I think he's come and have a brief flash of panic -- I'll never be able to get those fruits out now. But he settles back down instantly, whimpering.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"I'm really close," he says, his voice strained. "I just... oh, Force. How many is that?"

"Five," I reply, still lapping at his entrance softly, almost casually.

He laughs. "I cannot believe that you did that. Five? How are you going to...?"

"Like this." I pull his cheeks apart as far as I can and press my lips down firmly around his entrance. And suck.

The big fruit pops out into my mouth and I throw it at his head. "See? Easy."

He giggles. "That felt weird. The others are in deeper, though."

"Then I'll have to suck harder." I fuck him with my tongue a little more to get him to relax, and then press my lips down and suck hard again. Another fruit pops out. I spit it onto the floor. Three to go. I press my tongue in and can feel the next one. It comes out easily. He's whimpering and rocking his hips a little, very close. I'm so hard that I may come from the sound of his climax. I suck another fruit out. One more -- I take my time with it, sucking it almost out and then pushing it in again, over and over, letting it stretch the sphincter each time, licking clean the sweet juice that's dribbling from his anus now, where some of the fruits were crushed slightly.

"Please, Xan... I'm really close. I just need to..."

I suck the fruit out, just to be sure I don't lose it inside him. I'm so close I can barely stand it, but I don't want this to end quite yet. I slip two fingertips into him and hold him open while I crush the fruit over him. Juice and pulp dribble into his opening. He writhes beneath me. I pluck another fruit from the bunch and do it again, this time improving my aim a bit so that most of the juice pours into him.

"I have no idea what you're doing," he moans, "but it feels amazing."

I slide my fingers out and press my tongue into him again. The juice is everywhere, making him sticky inside. I pull his cheeks apart and suck some of it out of him.

He whimpers and laughs simultaneously. "That is so weird."

"Do you like it?"

"Fuck yes. What exactly are you doing?"

"I'm sucking carney juice out of your ass."

He makes a startled noise. "Okay, maybe I didn't need to know that."

"Does it feel good?"

"Yes, but--"

I hold him open with my fingers again and crush another fruit into him. Then I press the pulp into his ass as well. He wriggles a little.

"That's weird. I'm not sure I like that."

"No problem," I reply, pressing him open and sucking lightly. The crushed fruit stays lodged behind his sphincter, but the juice comes out.

"Ohhh..." he moans softly.

"Liking it a little more now?"

"Yeah, I take it back. You can do whatever you want back there, as long as your mouth is involved."

I suck a little harder and get the edge of the crushed fruit with my teeth. I pull it from him very, very slowly. His hands clench the sheets.

"Oh, Force oh Force oh Force..."

I stretch him open with my index fingers and shove my tongue in as far as I can go, fucking him with it, licking the inside of him. He tastes like juice, and I'm thinking about not letting him come until I've licked up every drop. He writhes and moans beneath me, hips grinding against the bed cover.

"Fuck me."

Did I hear that right? "What did you say?"

"Fuck me. Hurry!"

I feel a fog descending over my brain at that, and all I can think is Yes. Nothing could be better than sliding inside him right now. I pull myself up on my knees and press the head of my cock against his entrance. Wait, I don't have anything to use for... the fruit. I pluck the last one from the stem and crush it in my palm, then slather the sticky juice on my cock. I press the tip against him again and press forward slowly. I slide in very easily, which is no surprise. I stroke him slowly, trying very hard to keep remembering that he may still be sore in there somewhere.

Then I stop thinking about him altogether. This feels amazing! I was much closer than I realized. This won't take long. A few slow strokes... yes... He cries out beneath me and I feel his ass clutching me, pulling my cock in deeper than I'd dared to go. It pulls me over the edge and I come hard, grunting loudly and gripping his hips tight.

It's only then that I realize we didn't use a barrier.

"Oh, fuck... T'nell..."

"That was amazing," he whimpers. "Please come here and kiss me."

I pull out and flop down beside him. "T'nell--"

He kisses me. "That was so fucking amazing."

"That was raw."

His eyes widen. "Oh, fuck..."

"Yes, 'Oh, fuck.' Look... I'm clean, as far as I know, but you should know that I have done that before, and not under the best of circumstances. I tend to get carried away sometimes." I watch his face carefully, hoping that this doesn't frighten him too much. I don't mean for such things to happen. I am usually a very responsible person, but sometimes I get swept away in the moment. I don't even realize it until it's too late. Sometimes I hardly remember the sex itself, which always scares the shit of me.

"I've never done that before," he says. The color seems to have drained from his face.

I close my eyes. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I don't know what came over me." I want to kick myself. I haven't had a lapse like that in months. I don't want to think about what that might mean.

He snuggles against me reassuringly. "No, Xan, it was my fault. I was the one who said, 'Inside me, now!'"

I snicker. "You didn't really say that, did you?"

"Force, I hope not."

"I was stupid, and it was not your fault. I was the top, and I should have noticed that something was missing. We should both get checked out, just in case."

"Yes," he whispers, closing his eyes. "Can we talk about this later? I didn't get much sleep last night. Do you mind if I stay here and take a nap?"

I kiss his forehead. "Of course not." It's been a while since I've slept with a warm body next to me. The only physical contact I've had with people in the last few years was in sex clubs. No pillow talk or post-coital snuggling permitted or desired. This feels amazingly good.

He giggles, and the sound of it resonates in my chest. "I cannot believe you fucked me with carney-fruit."

"Would you have preferred the bananas?"

He gasps a little. "That sounds strangely appealing, for some reason."

I laugh and kiss him, teasing his tongue with mine softly, gently. He kisses me back in that sweet undemanding way that you can only kiss a lover. I'm relieved that he seems to be comfortable with me like this. I half-expected another ugly scene. I seem to screw up things with him as a matter of course.

I soon rest my head against the pillow, forehead pressing into his. His breathing shallows. I hear its rhythm, matching my own. My thoughts begin to drift until I'm not sure if I'm asleep or awake anymore.

I am being held by a pair of strong arms. A funeral pyre burns before me, my beloved master's body burning away in the flames. "Master Pell," I whisper. I know this dream. It's one I have often, and I hate it. I want to close my eyes and I can't. Master Pell is dead, and it's my fault. He was trying to protect me, because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The pain rises in me so sharply that I stagger forward, and am caught again by the person standing behind me. I flinch now; this is the worst part of the dream. I can't look away from the fire, even as I'm revolted by the sight of my beloved master's flesh burning before me.

But the arms that usually hold me so sternly and force me to watch are now caressing me, petting me, stroking me softly. I turn in those arms, and Qui-Gon is standing there, as he always is. But this time he's not glaring at me. He's smiling, and his eyes are sparkling blue.

"I'll take care of you, Xanatos. I'm your master now."

Tears well in my eyes and spill down my cheeks. He kisses them away and presses me tightly against his chest.

I start awake, inhaling sharply. Slight movement against my side reminds me instantly where I am. But the dream... That's never happened before. When did it stop being a nightmare?


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