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Author: Elocin Oco and Ms Swift
Summary: Obi-Wan adjusts to life after the events of the undercover mission.
Disclaimer: We're playing with other people's toys, but we always put them
back nicely. No money made, of course.
Note: Thanks to the QAJ gang for nurturing us through our first episode ensuring a, hopefully, smooth transition. This was a real team effort!
My face is pressed against the cold wall. Something, I don't know what, I don't want to know what, is being forced into my ass. It hurts, but I can't let them know. I won't let them know. I bite so hard on my lip I can taste blood. It's just a fuck, just another fuck.
Warm breath ghosts against my ear. "Don't be brave, you can't win. If you scream it will be easier." I don't want to. I can't. That warm breath again, "Trust me."
I have to trust, so I do it. I scream...
I snap myself awake. Fuck. Not again. I burrow against Qui and feel his arms tighten around me. "Okay?" he asks, nuzzling his face into my hair.
I nod. I'm not okay at all, but being here like this goes some small way to making it better. I burrow deeper.
I've been here every night since we got back. It's comforting. I feel like I did when I was a child having nightmares and I would go to the crèche master for comfort, and he'd tell me my nightmares weren't real. Only this time they are. How long can I feel like this? I let everyone down, everyone. Xan, Siri, Jal, Qui -- all of them. Worst of all, I let myself down.
I cling to Qui. I want to go back to sleep, but the dreams come every night, incessantly. Gradually I relax into his arms.
"Right little screamer, hey? He'll be popular. Pretty as a picture, soft as shit." His boot pokes at me as I lie on the cold floor. "Some Jedi."
Bruck's looking at me, pity in his eyes, nodding slowly. I know what he's thinking. You did the right thing. Even as I lie on the floor I wonder, why does it feel so fucking wrong?
Qui-Gon feels the shiver that consumes me as I waken again. "What is it?" I shrug his concern away. "Obi, I wish you would...." He stops as I tighten down my shields. He kisses my hair, then leans in close to my ear. "Why won't you tell me what happened?"
I pull away a little. "I did, Qui. I was raped."
He brings up a hand and strokes my face. "It was more than that wasn't it, Obi?" I nod and hope he understands why I can't tell him.
Bruck endured it for months, gained a reputation as a fighter. Me? A few hours and they'd reduced me to screams. Bruck said it would be better, and I trusted him. My childhood tormentor, trying to protect me. But I don't need protecting. I'm perfectly capable. But would he do that to make me look bad? Oh, very charitable, Obi-Wan, after what he's been through. But would he do that?
I shake myself, and Qui pulls me in closer, envelops me. I feel his mind brush against mine, sending soothing waves. Sleep. I really need to sleep. But these bloody dreams.... Perhaps I do need protecting.
Two of them on me. Hurting. Pushing. It really hurts. Just another fuck, just another fuck... I repeat it over and over. And I scream again, just like Bruck said. They stop. They think they broke me. They think that. But I didn't break, not really.
I feel a hand trail down my belly towards my cock. I tense because this hand is real. It's Qui. He wants to touch me. I don't want that, not yet. I groan and pull away a little, but he pulls me back. He wants this, but I don't. Panic swells. Will he take it anyway, like he did before, like they did?
"No." I snap. Qui pulls away, letting his hand rest lightly on my hip. I sag with relief.
I hear him sigh beside me, and my heart skips a little. He was lonely while we were away. "Qui, I know it's hard for you because you haven't seen Xan since, but... I'm not ready. You have to understand. I can't."
I wish I could let him give and take the comfort that sex could provide. Xan seems to have been avoiding Qui lately, and I can tell it's bothering him. He needs me, but I'm just not ready to give it yet. It needs to be on my terms. He nods and we relax again, the moment passed. Now maybe I can sleep.
When I awaken he's still sleeping, so I slide quietly from his grasp. I don't want to disturb him. Before he wakes, I want to be up and dressed, safely wrapped in my tunics.
I decide to meditate. I have to see the soul healer today and I need to be cool and collected for when I leave our quarters, in case I meet anyone. It's only the second time I've been out of here since they discharged me from the Med Ward six days ago. I'm still recuperating. I had a couple of days on the wards when we got back here, so the blaster wound and the incision where they took the implant out have healed. The other injuries too, they've healed. But I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to see Siri. I don't want to see Xan. Or T'nell or Keli or anyone. I just want to... I don't know what I want.
I need to meditate. I need to be calm. Gods, I've had bad missions before, been injured much worse than this. Why is it bugging me so much? I'm a Jedi; I really should be able to cope. Like Bruck seems to be doing.
I meditate for a while, but even in the trance I don't feel properly at peace. It's not healing me as it should, so I bring myself back. When I surface, Qui's there watching me. He smiles and I nod at him. I check my shields. I know he wants to come in. He wants to help.
I go and check my messages. Bail's messaged me again, asking when I'll be in touch. I click the message away quickly without even reading it. Not ready for that yet.
I grab my robe and shrug into it. Qui comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around me. I sink back, enjoying the comfort. "Time for counseling?" he asks. I nod. "Good," he says. "It will help." I nod again. "Talking helps, and if you don't feel you can talk to me, the healers will listen."
He kisses me on the top of the head and I leave him. Out into the corridors. I keep my head down, and move swiftly.
I'm barely round the second corner when an all too familiar voice calls me. "Obi?" Shit. T'nell. I cast him a glance and slow my pace a little but don't stop.
"Obi? How are you?" T'nell slides an arm around me, forcing me to a halt and kisses me lightly on the cheek. I try not to flinch.
"Okay," I grunt.
"I was just coming to see you. We haven't heard from you. Normally after missions you can't wait to go out." He takes my hand. "Why don't you come to Rising with me tonight? Get out, have some fun, forget things."
"I don't know," I say. The thought of going there scares me a bit. But maybe he's right. If I go out, get back into my routine, then the old Obi will click back into place. "Okay." I don't sound convinced, but he pounces on my response. "Great. I'll come by for you at tenth hour?" He grins. "Perhaps Bail will be there. He's been really worried about you."
I narrow my eyes a little. Just how much time has T'nell been spending with Bail?
He looks at me, trying to work out what I'm thinking. "What happened to you, Obi?"
"I think you know what happened, T'nell. Hasn't Bruck been telling everyone? How he's a hero and I'm a...." I can't think of a bad enough word, so I don't bother.
T'nell looks at me, and I see pity in his eyes. Just like I saw in Bruck's eyes. Fuck. I'm not used to the idea of failing, of people pitying me. "People don't think badly of you, Obi, and everyone's just shocked to see Bruck back here. We all thought he was in AgriCorps."
Yeah, I think, but instead he's the returning hero. I mean, he only did what I did, got himself bloody captured. But he's been so brave, and he lost his Master too.
I realise that T'nell's waiting for me to speak, but I've had enough of this now. "I'm sorry, T'nell, I have to go, have to see my soul healer." T'nell nods and watches me leave, he looks concerned, uncertain. I give him what I hope looks like a reassuring grin.
I'm feeling okay when I reach the Med Wards, but damn, Bruck's sitting there, waiting for his appointment. I give him a cursory glance, avoiding his eyes, and sit a good distance away from him. I sit stony faced, ignoring him.
He moves to sit closer to me. I don't react. I haven't seen him since we arrived back at the Temple, barely at all since our rescue. We were put in private rooms on the Wards. "All right?" he asks.
I shrug back. "You?" It's the best I can offer him.
"Yeah. Getting better. That was some rescue, Obi-Wan. Getting yourself captured beside me was a masterstroke." I can almost taste the sarcasm, it's so thick. "Guess you knew that Xanatos would come for you, even if it did cost my Master his life. I was in there for months, but Obi-Wan precious Kenobi has to be rescued straight away. Whatever the cost."
I shut my eyes and inhale sharply. I will not rise to it. "I'm sorry about your Master, Bruck, but I wasn't the only one that needed rescuing. Xan and Jal rushed in because our cover was blown, not to save my ass."
"Oh, and was that because someone decided to bring a lightsaber into the slave pen?"
I try to ignore the contempt in his voice. "No," I reply evenly. "They knew already." I don't want to do this now, I really don't. "But all this has been covered in the debriefing." No one has been blamed.
"Right. I'm starting to remember how this place runs. Been out of the system so long, I can see how flawed it is."
I swallow. I won't respond. My own view of the Jedi Order and the Code seem radically out of step with those of these cover operatives. Perhaps I am staid, unbending, but it's got me this far. Bruck sees he's getting no response and he smiles wryly. I see something in his eyes, something I recognize from childhood. Shit. I seem to be spending a lot of time there at the moment.
"But it's cool being back," he drips, "seeing people's surprise. You see, Kenobi, you're not the only one who can return triumphantly from AgriCorps. It's been an eye-opener seeing what goes on here. You cosseted, indulged Temple Padawans, enjoying your hedonistic pleasure. Nothing like my lifestyle." That smile creeps across his face again. He's moving in for the kill now. "Makes you all a little... soft, don't you think?" I narrow my eyes and glare at him. "But I'm sure your Master will soothe it away. At least you still have your Master."
I shift uncomfortably in my chair. "Whatever I do or don't do with my Master is..." My soul healer appears in the doorway. I never thought I'd be pleased to see her, but right now I am. I stand and follow her through the door. I feel Bruck's eyes watching me, burrowing into me. I can't let him get under my skin.
I sit opposite my healer, Allia Kazal. She's looking at me, trying to read me. She can see that I'm flustered. I must pull myself together. "So, why don't you finally tell me what happened, Padawan Kenobi?"
I sit and stare at her.
She leans towards me, head slightly tilted. "How do you feel about Bruck Chun? After what occurred between you?"
I fold my arms across my chest. "I feel bad for him. He has been through an ordeal. They forced him to do things to me. I think that he tried to make it easy for me."
"Do you resent him for what he had to do?" she inquires. I can't read her tone at all. Fuck, she's good.
"I followed his advice, as he was the more 'experienced' operative." I reply, keeping my tone as even as possible. "I knew that they would come for us, so I decided I should be in the best shape possible. I played along, did what I had to do to get it over and done with." Yes, I played along. I've had rough fucks before. I shiver at the sudden memory of Qui, his eyes dark, pushing me against a wall.
"Do you feel responsible for what happened?" She snaps me out of that memory. "Do you feel that you failed, Padawan Kenobi?"
I stare at her again. Did she overhear Bruck and me talking? "No. The mission had already been compromised, and I believed that we still had to get Bruck out of there. I fell into a trap, but my partner also failed to see the trap. We were compromised when Xan... when the decision was made to purchase Knight Benyat. I did my best, but as an inexperienced undercover operative, I made some mistakes."
"I understand that, Padawan, but I mean personally." She fixes me in a tight gaze. I hold firm under her scrutiny. "Do you feel you failed because of what happened to you?"
I swallow. My tongue won't move to form the word. "No." I practically force it out.
"Padawan Kenobi, if you don't help me, I can't help you."
Why is Qui making me do this? It isn't helping. I want to get out of here now. This is a waste of my time. "No!" I snap. "The mission was compromised. I located Bruck Chun and we escaped. I did what I had to do. We could do nothing to save Knight Benyat. It was his choice."
I kick myself. I lost my cool. Now she'll start on me. I just want to be back in my quarters.
It's late now. I've been working on building a new lightsaber all afternoon and evening, stopping only to eat with Qui. He asked about my meeting, and I told him the barest details. I didn't tell him about seeing Bruck. I'm glad I have something to do. Everyone's fucking annoyed that I lost my saber, that I took it with me against orders, but at least I can concentrate on making a new one. It gives me something to occupy myself.
T'nell will be here soon. I guess I should go and get ready. Gods, I hope I can stay awake. I used to keep such wild hours, but these days it's all I can do to stay awake past twenty-second hour. I put away all my tools and head to my bedroom.
"Off to get dressed up?" Qui asks. He smiles. "It's good that you're going out with T'nell." He comes and puts his hands on my shoulders. "Be careful won't you? Stick with T'nell." He gives me a quick hug. "Would you like me to come too?"
I shake my head. "Not this time, Qui. I'll be fine. I can still look after myself." I grin. "And you'd only cramp my style." I give him a peck on the cheek, then disappear into my room. I head for the wardrobe to choose the right outfit. My choice made, I begin to change. Maybe a good fuck is all I need. Tonight I'm going to get laid.
I wonder what other beings see when they look at me. I never really thought about it before. I know I'm fuckable. My soft leather pants are shiny black, low slung and so tight that the seam rides deep in the crack of my ass. I've chosen a lime green shirt and slip it on, leaving it unbuttoned. I turn to face the mirror and stare hard at the man in front of me. My eyes are flat, the only shine a faint hint of bitterness. I shouldn't go to Rising like this, but it's time to start being Obi-Wan again. Whoever the fuck that is. "You are a fucking joke," I whisper. And the bastard in the mirror just smirks at me.
Rising is as dark and loud as always. I paste on a smile and let T'nell take me to the bar. I toss back one drink and T'nell rests his hand on my chest, stroking over the shirt. "Ummm, you're wearing the 'fuck me' shirt tonight. You must be feeling better." He kisses me softly, and I let him. "I'm glad you decided to come out with me tonight. It's always more fun when we come together." He's smiling at me, but underneath it there's wariness. and I hate that. But I don't need to take this out on him. Damn, he is my best friend.
"Coming together is highly overrated."
He laughs like I hoped he would and moves closer. "Obi-Wan, I've missed you. Bruck told us--."
I jerk away from him. "Bruck told you? What the fuck did he say?"
T'nell's eyes are wide and he's staring at me. "He told us you were having problems dealing with the mission. That's all. Obi, it's all right." I notice his eyes drift to the dance floor and when I turn around I see Bruck is there, dancing with Siri and Keli. No doubt they were a willing audience for his tales.
I turn back to T'nell. "Are you fucking him, too? Bruck Chun, the big hero. Captured, takes it up the ass repeatedly and returns triumphant to the Temple."
"No, it's not like that. Obi-Wan, just dance with me."
I let T'nell lead me to the floor and I'm melting against him. His hands are grasping my hips and I let him rub sinuously against me. This isn't so bad. Maybe a nice fuck with a friend is what I need, after all. I loop my arms around him and he smiles.
"See? Isn't this better than fighting over Bruck Chun?"
I nod at him. "I can't believe he's here."
T'nell grinned. "You've got to admit he's beautiful. It's no wonder he's the newest sensation at Rising."
"Beautiful? No, I don't think he's beautiful."
T'nell rolls his eyes. "Sure, whatever you say, Obi. I think he's hot."
I push T'nell away. "If he's so hot, why don't you go fuck him? Please don't waste your precious time with me."
"No! I mean it, T'nell. If you want him, go ahead. Don't let me keep you from your new fuck buddy."
T'nell's eyes go dark and I think I've finally managed to make him angry. I don't care. I don't want to deal with any of this. I came here to forget everything. I look at Bruck again and he's smirking at me. Bastard.
Keli steps in front of me with a huge smile on his face. I just glare and push my way past him. "Obi-Wan! Hey, wait a minute?"
"Not now, Keli. Just leave me alone and go dance with your new friend." I hurl myself into the writhing mass, dancing with anyone, everyone, and no one. Someone kisses me and presses two heffas into my mouth and I suck on them. I languish through the darkness, the flashing lights, the music, letting it meld within me. Not thinking of anything. Flashing, buzzing, moving. Then he's there. Tall, lithe with long blonde hair and icy blue eyes. He's practically glowing in the club lights. Gorgeous. I approach him with a feral smile and a slow grind of hips. He kisses me but I stop him, fisting my hands in his hair until he whimpers. "Behave, or I won't fuck you. And that would be a shame, wouldn't it?" He nods and swallows hard. Oh, this is going to be so good. I catch his hand and lead him toward the back room.
The crowd parts, and it feels like a hyper-reality. There in front of me is Bail. He's dressed in his usual non-descript clothing, dark and expensive. And he's so gorgeous. He smiles at me as I walk towards him. I can almost feel how happy he is to see me. My heart is pounding and my mouth is dry. The room has narrowed down to a point of light that's Bail. Everything else is hollow. Heffas don't hit me that hard. It's not the drugs. This isn't happening. The floor is slanting uphill and my head is spinning and I think I might pass out. It feels like it's taken forever to reach him, a slow climb uphill and suddenly I'm by him, then past him and into the back room, my trick in tow. The floor is level now and I can breathe again. I don't look back to see if he follows. I know he won't. He can't stand this...this anonymous fucking. He didn't like the thing I was before he met me. He won't like the thing I've become. I don't want to see him. I don't want his pity or his lectures.
I want to fuck. And be fine again. I shove Blondie against the wall and kiss him hard. I stroke his cock through his leggings and he moans. I open my eyes; his moan is answered by a whimper to my left. I turn and see a man on his knees, being ridden hard by an Umbaran. My stomach churns. I hear him groan and climax. That sound, it makes me feel sick. REALLY sick. It's too much, too soon. It's all so real.... Blondie has his hands on my pants unbuttoning them. I grab his hands and push him away. I can't do this...I've got to get out....fuck, I can't breathe...I stumble out the back entrance and into the alley. Gods, what did they do to me? They fucked me, like I was about to fuck that...oh gods...
My stomach rebels and I'm on my knees vomiting. What in fucking hell have I done? I've alienated people I care about. T'nell. Keli. I'm hyperventilating and it's all I can do to force myself to calm down. I've got to get it together enough to go home, to Qui. I want to sleep, and I can't sleep alone anymore. I just need to sleep.
I'm kneeling, someone's fucking me hard from behind. He holds me upright, and another man, the short, ugly one, is fucking my mouth. He's relentless, shoving himself almost down my throat. I choke and gag, but he keeps going. I can't scream. I want to bite down, but I know what will happen if I do. I choke again and reel forward. I'm grabbed and pulled back. I hear laughter behind me. I don't know who it is that's in me. Is it Bruck, is it the other man? He's fucking me really hard and it hurts so much. I'm already stretched and ripped from what's gone before. It really hurts, but I've had rough fucks before. This is just another fuck, just another fuck.... I feel the one behind me convulse into orgasm, digging his fingers into my flesh. Then the other follows, his semen pumping into my mouth. I have to swallow. He's still in my mouth. I have to swallow his filthy come. I nearly choke and they let go and I fall to the cold floor. A harsh cry escapes me and they laugh. The sound haunts me....
I wake up in a panic, sweating, panting. Where the fuck am I? Qui sits up and reaches for me. I grab him, climbing almost into his lap. I need comfort, I need love. He's there and he gives it, but I can tell that he wants more. He strokes my head. "Obi-Wan, let me help you. Let me love you."
I cling harder to him. I do want him to love me. He feels me trembling and leans in and takes my mouth in a kiss. His hands begin to move now, to touch me more intimately. "Qui, please." I murmur.
He misunderstands me. "Obi?" His voice is hoarse, emotional. I tremble, and he pulls me even closer, brushing his hand against my groin.
"I said NO!" I recoil and pull away. I jump from the bed, grabbing a robe. Without stopping, I'm out of the door, plowing down the corridor. I don't know if he followed. I was too fast, putting distance between me and our quarters. Finally I stop in the dim light of the corridor. I have no idea where I'm going. I'm not even thinking. Lucky I wear so many clothes to bed at the moment or I'd be standing here naked.
Where am I going? Where can I go? It's nearly fourth hour, too fucking early. I can't go to T'nell, not after the way I behaved at Rising. Siri won't do either, she knows too much. Keli? No fucking way. There's only one answer. I think he understands. That's where I'll go.
I stand outside Xan's door, and I can't bring myself to push the chime. I don't have anywhere else to go. He's the only one that I can think of.... Fuck. I press the chime and pull my robe around me. Xan opens the door, and he looks like I feel. He's in his leggings and nothing else. His hair's in disarray and there's a cup of caf in his hand
"Obi-Wan." His eyes sweep over me, and I realize I've forgotten my boots in my haste to escape from Qui-Gon. Fucking pathetic excuse for a Jedi.
"Xan. I...I was worried about you and I thought...." He's frowning at me and I stop, realizing how stupid that sounded. Now that I see him again, I can't think of anything except the way his lips felt against my forehead, the way the understanding flowed out of him. He knows. I just want that feeling again. That's all. A kiss will make it stop.
I realize I'm swaying on my feet when Xan grabs my arm and pulls me inside. "You look like you're going to pass out," he hisses. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
I stare at him blankly. "I...can I sleep here? I can't stay with Qui. This is all too much for him to cope with. He...he doesn't understand."
Xan's face freezes, and he covers it by taking a drink from the cup before setting it down on the table. Force, he's beautiful. He stands in front of me and he looks almost angry. "What makes you think I do?"
I'm so tired. Why does everything have to be a fight? I don't know why I would expect it to be any other way with Xan. "You do, though. You've lost something on this mission, haven't you? And you blame me for it." My tone is harsher than I had intended and he flinches before he can stop himself. It's true, then. Jal is dead because of me. I don't know what happened between them, but it was obvious how they felt about each other.
I watch as Xan pulls his persona back in place. "Do I need to call your soul healer?" he says finally. "Because that sounded like the shit they want you to say. You're having a real breakthrough moment."
I can't control the rage that wells up inside of me. I hate his cool demeanor. "Call the fucking soul healers! Call them and tell them that I killed Jal, the same as if I put a blaster to his head! Tell them that I didn't break. I screamed because that fucking piece of shit Chun told me to! Now he's the hero and I'm the victim. Well, you know what? Fuck that. I'm not a victim. I don't need your pity or anyone else's. I--"
In an instant I'm against the wall and Xan is kissing me, roughly, his tongue thrusting into my mouth. Gods, it's happening, all over again and I can't, I can't.
He pulls away panting. "Look at you. You're terrified. Don't tell me it's not about rape. And don't tell me this mission didn't break you. You're broken in ways you've not even thought of yet." He picks up his cup and falls on the couch. "Just go to bed."
His words drive away whatever anger I had left and take my energy with it. He's just sitting there with his head propped in his palm and his other hand clutching his cup like a lifeline. There is something so lost about him. It dawns on me that he's not angry. He's a wounded animal, rounding on anyone who comes too close. "Xan, I'm sorry. You don't need this. I...I'll go back to Qui-Gon."
He lifts his head, his blue eyes piercing me. "Stay. You should stay here. I...he doesn't understand what happened there. He's had fucked up missions, but this was different."
I stand uncertainly beside the couch. "Then I guess I will try to sleep. I just thought maybe... maybe you would want to come to bed, too?" I finish in a rush. Fuck. I sound like a kid again. Can't sleep without his favourite toy. I turn and walk into the bedroom, shrugging out of my robe. I jump when Xan puts his hand on my shoulders and takes the robe from me. We don't speak as we climb into bed. He curls up as far away from me as he can and clings to the side of the bed. He's rigid, tense, like he can't relax. I think again of his smile on the ship, of the touch of his lips. That's all it took and I could sleep. Maybe....
I stroke my hand over the muscles of his back and he flinches. I move over and spoon behind him, wrapping an arm over his chest. He shivers against me and I don't know what to think. He's more hurt than I realized. That much is certain. Why can everyone hide their pain so well, but me? "Xan, did you talk to a soul healer?" I ask.
"No. Pointless. Nothing to tell them."
I can't say anything to that, because I agree. And in agreeing, I see myself: bitter and hard. I can't stop the shiver that runs down my spine. "I know that Jal meant a lot to you."
He turns in my arms then, his hand grabbing my neck. "Don't talk about him. He's dead for the second time. I don't want to fucking talk about him."
"I'm sorry," That's all I can think to say, seeing that much pain in his eyes. "It's my fault..."
Xan closes his eyes and his fingers soften and stroke my jaw. "It's not your fault. It's mine. I knew the objectives. I knew the rules. You were too inexperienced for this and I knew that. Then I break my own rules and almost get you killed. Jal is dead because of my decisions, not because of yours."
What a fucking pair we make. A match made in the heavens. I take his hand and guide it to my mouth, sucking lightly on a fingertip. When he opens his eyes, I see the pain in his soul and I'm breathless. He never lets anyone see this need in him. And I need to fulfill it, to heal him. I kiss him softly, the whisper of a breath on his lips, before my tongue teases his. It's a delicious moment when he clings to me and his own tongue finds mine. It's a kiss of healing more than lust. It's a kiss that I would give Bail, or that Qui-Gon would bestow on me.
He breaks away and rests his forehead against mine. "You're not ready for this," he whispers.
But I am now. I know that. With him, it's safe. He's not Qui-Gon with his dark passion, Bail with his demands or some anonymous guy who has no idea what being a Jedi can bring. This is Xanatos and I have nothing to prove. "You need this as much as I do."
He nods and kisses me again, deeper, a bit rougher than before. I whimper, pulling back, "Let me."
I push him onto his back and stand up, taking off my tunic and leggings. Fuck, I feel so exposed. But not as vulnerable as I thought I would. Not as vulnerable as Xan looks. I straddle his hips and glide my hands over his chest. He moans in encouragement and I feel him starting to harden beneath my ass. I lean down and kiss him again, pouring myself into him. His hands are gentle as they stroke my thighs and over my hips to cup my ass. I rub against the bulge of his leggings and kiss my way down his chest. I want this to be good for him.
"The silent type, huh?" I bite his nipple, and the air whistles from his clenched teeth.
His hand tangles in my hair and I work my way slowly down his belly. My tongue plunges into his navel, licking, probing.
"Obi," he hisses, "fuck."
I smile against his belly. It's almost as though I can feel the other me take over. I pull his leggings off in one smooth movement. Force, he's beautiful, splayed out on the bed, his cock thrumming against his belly. I spread his legs and kneel between them, tracing the line of his public bone with my tongue. I love the feel of the flesh here, so soft, satiny, nothing like Xan should be. And that's even more erotic. I ignore his cock despite his whimpers, and take his balls gently into my mouth.
I laugh with his balls in my mouth, and that makes him arch off the bed. I release him, but not before swiping my tongue across his perineum and up the opposite side to his hip. His cock has left a trail of pre-come on his stomach and I lap it away before grasping his cock and swiping my tongue across the head. He moans and arches into me and I swallow him down, alternating between sucking smoothly and massaging hard with my tongue. I savor the warm feel of hard flesh in my mouth. I love the way a cock throbs against your tongue. I love how it responds to the movements of your tongue. He's clean and he tastes good, nothing at all like... I stop abruptly. No. I'm not going there. Now isn't the time to remember what they did.
"Barriers?" I ask.
I watch as he turns to the bedside table and opens the drawer that is filled with barriers and bottles of lube. I see him grab Qui's favourite and stop, putting it back and getting a different kind instead. Good, I don't want to think about Qui-Gon right now. I don't want him thinking of Qui-Gon either. I take a barrier, rip it open with my teeth and roll it onto myself. Xan's hands are slick with lube and he starts stroking me gently, and it feels so good. My eyes close dreamily. I want to sense this only through touch. Gods, I want to be buried inside this man and make it good for him in the way that it may never be for me again. I want to make him feel something.
I open my eyes and stare into his. "Are you ready?"
He pulls his legs back to his chest as I spread lube on his ass. I lean forward and push in, feeling his flesh open for me. I move slowly letting him feel every inch stretch him, fill him. I'm buried in him, and now he pushes up to meet me. It's good. It's perfect. I'm enjoying this, so I push in harder and feel his flesh tighten deliciously around me. My hand slides down to stroke his cock, rubbing it against my belly. It's so good, so right. We've fought each other for so long, but now he's just Xan and he needs me. I need him. I thrust harder and harder and he grasps my hips, pulling me ever deeper. I smile and then he's coming in my hand, against my belly. And his wailing cry and clenching muscles milk me, and with one last deep lunge, I come.
Something in me lets go, something gives and I'm floating. For the first time, since before the disaster that became my life, I feel safe. I float back to myself and realize that I'm still buried inside Xan and he's crying against my shoulder. I ease away and he pulls me back, clinging to me.
"Rape can't break you Obi-Wan," he hiccups against my ear. "Only love can do that."
We're both broken, I know that now. We've gone a little way here to fixing each other, but it's not nearly enough. We spoon together. The most I hope for is some nightmare-free sleep. Perhaps Xan will get that, too, now. We both will. For a while at least.
After I don't know how long, they go. They leave me alone with Bruck. I'm still adjusting to being cut off from the Force, and that combined with what I've just endured, leaves me feeling dazed. I'm kneeling against the wall, resting my head, trying to find myself. He stands behind me.
"You should get yourself dressed," he says, his voice strangely detached. "You'd better hope they come and get us soon. There's a huge demand for your sort."
"My sort?" I'm surprised that I can speak at all.
"Yeah, pretty screamers. Soft. The punters like to see how loud they can make it. Let's hope that your Master has a plan." He passes my pants to me.
I turn and look at him. "He's not my...." The expression on Bruck's face stops me. Does he know who I am? Fuck. He's so... matter-of fact, hardened. Will I be like that if they don't come, or will I...? Shit. I can't even think about it. I pull my pants and boots on, ignoring the pain. A sudden explosion sends us both reeling....
I snap awake. I'm in Xan's bedroom. Alone. So much for no nightmares. Xan can't have fared much better, judging by the earliness of the hour. At least I know now that Xan doesn't blame me for Jal's death. I'm not so sure about Bruck.
I hear the chirp of a comlink, followed by the sound of Xan speaking. He's quiet at first, then his voice rises to a commanding tone. "...just calm down, Qui. Yes, he's here. How did you know?" A moment of silence. "He didn't tell me anything, just arrived on my doorstep at fourth hour looking like shit."
I pull the sheet around myself, get off the bed and walk softly to the door.
"He needed to be somewhere else. He's confused." Another silence, longer this time. "I can't talk about that now, Qui. Let's concentrate on Obi-Wan for now." A beat. "Let him stay here today and tonight if he needs to." He stops again. His voice rises a little. "Don't push it, Qui. He's asleep. Let him stay that way for a bit. I'll speak to him when he wakes up." Another beat. "I will. I'll call you."
The links closes down and he sags back against the couch. He rubs his eyes and sighs.
"Xan, I'm sorry. I don't want to cause trouble between you and Qui."
He jumps. I don't think he realised I was there. "It's okay, Obi. You needed space, and you came here. I can handle Qui-Gon."
I look away and wrap the sheet tighter around myself. "How is he?"
Xan laughs, actually laughs. "How the fuck do you think he is, Obi? You storm out of his bed in the middle of the night for gods only know what reason and don't tell him where you're going. How do you expect him to be?"
I shrug. "If you want me to go, I will. I realise it's awkward now." I cast him a sheepish look. "I'm sorry if... I needed it... I think you did." I hope he doesn't regret it. I don't.
"Get yourself dressed," he says, evading me. "I'll make you a drink. You prefer tea, right? You can stay here tonight, and tomorrow if you need to. But then I think you need to go back. To talk to Qui." I nod. I know he's right.
By the time I've washed and dressed he's made the tea. He gestures for me to come and sit beside him. Maybe he doesn't regret it. I sit down, not too close, not too far away. He passes me my tea and appraises me carefully. "Did it help then? What we did?"
He's nothing if not blunt. I nod. "Yes, it did... I needed to have sex that I could control. Sex not complicated by pre-existing expectations." I think back to Blondie, he had no expectations. "But not an anonymous fuck. It needed to be with someone who knew me, who understood what this means to me." I look down, avoiding his eyes. "Not a fuck. Sex."
"Obi-Wan?" He puts a hand on my chin and lifts my face. "Is this only about sex and fucking? You can't solve every problem with sex."
I keep my gaze locked onto his. How can I explain this? Why it's so bloody important to me. I shut my eyes and exhale a breath. "I know, Xan, but sex has been a part of my identity since I was fourteen. It's my release, how I express myself. Most of my relationships have a basis in sex... fucking. But they used it against me. Now I don't know who I am. All of my relationships have been knocked out of orbit. I don't know where I am." I feel the urge to cry, but suppress it. This is the crux. All my relationships are based on sex. Sex is how I define my relationship with Qui-Gon. I fucked away the Master long ago. I lean forward and bury my face in my hands.
He takes hold of my hands and pulls them away. He gives me that lopsided grin. "That's not true, Obi, and you know it." His eyes shine with mischief. "You haven't fucked Mace Windu yet, or Yoda. Have you?"
I muster a half smile at that. "No, not yet. I'm working up to Mace, though." We both laugh, and a little of the tension dissolves.
"Anyway. Do you want to tell me about Bruck? There's more to this than what happened on the mission, isn't there?"
My mouth flaps open. "No... what...?"
He shakes his head. "Oh, come on, after what you said last night? Fucking piece of shit? I saw how you looked at him on the ship. I saw it in your eyes."
"He...he was...." Shit. I don't want to do this. I hate feeling this way about him. He tried to help me. But why do I feel that Bruck will hold it against me? "He was a bully. He never liked me, and he made my life hell. He tried to stop Qui-Gon from choosing me. He's half the reason I was sent to AgriCorps, and when I came back as Qui's Padawan, he was worse. Resentful, mean. Then he was sent to AgriCorps himself and we all assumed that was where he'd stayed. Until I recognised him in that slave pen." I begin to fiddle with a loose thread on my undertunic. "Why him? Of all the people who it could be, why him?"
"Is it so bad that he witnessed what happened to you, Obi? After all, he'd been through it, too."
I whip my head up in anger. "He didn't fucking witness it! He did it! They made him rape me. He raped me, Xan, and he enjoyed every minute of it. And now he's enjoying letting everyone know how I broke." I grab his hand. "You believe me don't you, Xan? I didn't break. I endured it, all of it. He told me I should scream. I didn't fucking break."
He throws his arms around me. "Obi-Wan. There's no shame in what you did. You were in a difficult situation. You acted on instinct, and you survived. Don't let some childhood rivalry consume you. Bruck did what he had to do to." He loosens his grip so he can see my face. "Remember last night? You were in control, you were strong. They can't break you that way, I told you." His voice trails desperately away. Shit. He's being strong for me. He's suffering so much more than I am, and I'm just taking from him. Shit. I'm selfish.
I lean and kiss him softly on his lips, draping a hand on his neck. We rest forehead to forehead, just as we did earlier this morning. "You don't have to say any more, Xan. I understand." He slips his arm around me, and we sit, holding each other. No words, just holding. Somehow it helps.
We spent a strange, quiet day together. A lot has passed between us, but neither of us really feel like talking anymore. It's an unusual turn of events, but we're just comfortable in each other's presence. After a light lunch, we settled into bed, both appreciating how much we need sleep. We didn't fuck, we just lay together, each using the other to derive some comfort. We're there again now. It's getting late and Xan is dozing beside me, but despite my tiredness and all that's happened in the last twenty-four hours, I just can't sleep.
I'm thinking about Qui. I'm worried about him. He must think that he's lost us both, and here we are curled up together. He didn't mean to upset me. He doesn't understand. But how can he, when I refuse to tell him what went on during my hours in that cell? Xan's right. I am broken, and this is the first thing that I need to fix.
I lean over Xan and whisper gently against his ear. "Xan... Xan?" He stirs and his eyes flicker open. "Xan, I have to go"
He blinks again. "Wh... where?" I give him that grin, the one I know he hates.
"To see Qui." I kiss his cheek. "Thanks." I jump out of the bed, pull on my clothes and once more I find myself in the dim hush of the Temple corridors.
When I return, our quarters are still and quiet. I discard my robe and undertunic in the living area and walk stealthily to the bedroom wearing only my leggings, but I'm already loosening the ties. I stop just inside the door; I want to look at him first. He is magnificent. He lies on his back, a sheet draped across his torso, his muscular chest rising and falling in sleep. He looks like a sculpture of an ancient god, larger than life, noble, serene, yet strangely vulnerable. I smile to myself. This is exactly how I wanted to find him.
I let my leggings drop to the floor. The mere sight of Qui lying there, ripe for the taking, has caused my cock to harden. The room has a slight chill, and I shiver deliciously. I don't think it's the cold. I think it's desire. He's magnificent. He loves me and I want him. I'm going to take him. They have not taken my identity from me. They have only made me more determined to assert my claim.
I lick my lips, and run my hand up the underside of my cock. It's fully hard now, ready for him. But how shall I wake him? I creep to the bed, and clamber as gently as I can onto the end. He stirs a little, so I wait for him to settle. I don't want him to wake just yet. Once he has stilled, I lift the sheet, exposing his cock. It's flaccid, soft. I lean forward and gather the whole length into my mouth, massaging with my tongue, smirking as I coax the flesh to harden. I hear the hiss of a breath being expelled and I glance upwards. His eyes are open now, and his face registers a heady mix of shock, desire, relief and pleasure.
I pull my mouth free and place a finger to my lips, curled into a lustful smile. He nods in understanding and relaxes back against the pillows. I take his now erect cock back into my mouth, swallowing down as far as I can go, massaging the underside with my tongue. He quivers and lets out a low moan, then he says my name. His voice is a low rumble, and it sends a shiver down my spine. Qui still does things to me that no one else can. I pull back until only the head of his cock remains in my mouth, and then I suck hard, my tongue pressing firmly against that spot just below the head. I know that he loves this, so I do it until I can tell that he is hanging on the very edge of orgasm. I feel he's close, so I plunge deeper again, taking his cock into the warmth of my mouth, sucking and kneading until he curls in pleasure. I love having this control over him.
I release his cock from my mouth now. He moves to pull me onto him, but I resist, shaking my head at him. Instead I grab his ankles, and lift his legs to his chest. He complies, detecting my need to drive this encounter. His ass is exposed now and I shiver at the thought of what I want to do next. I run my tongue gently down his cock. He makes a small whimpering sound, wanting me to swallow him in again.
"No." I say firmly.
Tonight he gets exactly what I decide to give him. And I know what I want to do next. My tongue continues its journey down his cock, then across his perineum. I stop when I feel the muscle, and very gentle probe my tongue into it. I know just how much he loves this, too, so I perform the act slowly and reverently, gradually pushing through into the softness of his insides. I push deeper, then pull back again, relishing the pleasurable groan that it incites. I withdraw and let my tongue flicker gently around the ring of muscle. I feel him arch in pleasure.
"Obi." This time it's louder, husky, tinged with need.
I probe inside him again, deeper. I love this feeling, tasting inside of him. I love the way that he surrenders to my control, lets me do this to him. I establish a steady driving rhythm, and he begins to pant in time with the movement of my tongue. He's so close now, but I don't want him to come. Not yet. I haven't finished with him.
I sit back on my haunches and look at him. He's exposed and open to me. He's desperate, but I still need to control this. I grab the nearest bottle of lube, not caring which it is. I clip one word at him. "Turn."
As he moves, I slick my cock with copious amounts of lube. The very instant that he settles on his stomach, I lower myself onto his back and push into him. We both hiss through the moment. It's been too long since we were intimate. Then I'm inside him. Fuck. It feels good, it feels right. This is not another fuck. It's Qui. I stop for a moment and enjoy being on him and in him. Then I begin to thrust in and out of him, driven by a passion I can barely control. Harder and faster I push, skin slapping against skin. I moan now, feeling the release coming. A final groan takes me, and I'm coming, exploding into him, grabbing tightly to his shoulders, holding onto him, feeding off his strength. Finally I collapse against him, panting. I feel the relief coursing from him, and I pull myself free.
I nuzzle against his ear. "Turn back, please. I want to finish you."
I slide off of him, and again he turns. He smiles at me, a smile that speaks volumes. I move closer and kiss him hard on the mouth, pushing my tongue against his. Satisfied, I glide down his chin, licking gently at his beard, down his neck, nipping briefly at the skin there. Then I run my tongue down his chest and the softness of his abdomen back to his cock. I feel it thrumming against my tongue, and once again I swallow it deep into my mouth. He's on the edge still, and once more I pull back until I'm sucking only on the head. I increase the suction and my tongue works furiously against the sensitized underside. He groans and I recognize the sound. He's coming. Once more I take him deep and I suck as his orgasm convulses out of him, milking, swallowing, washing away some of the bitter memories. I'm with Qui again, and I have brought us both pleasure. That means so much to me.
I move up and bury myself against him, relaxing as his arms engulf me and pull me tight. It almost feels normal again, almost like the sanctuary it used to be. I'm happy to be here again. The rest can wait.
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